Michael Sheen, the film and theatre star, who declared his intention to retire from acting and become a full time political activist, has agreed to take on the role of Jeremy Corbyn until the Labour leader “retires, resigns or hopefully isn’t assassinated.”
Mr Sheen, who currently plays the voice of the world’s best selling brand of furniture polish, will replace the famously tongue tied leader and add “soaring oratory, impassioned rhetoric and absolutely no policy decisions, no siree no” urgently to his repertoire.
“It’s quite clear that the Labour party is in desperate need of someone who can articulate pain and instil hope in the population, without adding any of that tricky stuff like identifying the causes or coming up with solutions,” explained the actor. “My heartfelt speech last year explaining that the NHS is really great but something should be done to sort it out, moved a lot of people to nod vigorously in agreement. That’s the sort of rising-up I hope to achieve within the Labour movement from now on”
Mr Sheen then donned a white beard and pulled on a corduroy jacket and replied in his new role as Mr Corbyn. “Is it too much to ask that we the People, who for too long have been trammelled to the yoke of oppression and servitude, should be denied hope and freedom?” he yelled “Can it be that our children, who are surely our greatest hope, now face a future that we would deny them?”
As the room of reporters leapt to their feet and started to eagerly applaud Mr Sheen-Corbyn, he continued to condemn the government, berate rail operators and fell to his knees and wept as he praised “selfless and angelic nurses.” When asked briefly by the cheering crowd his solution to an aging population requiring far greater social and medical care, Mr Sheen-Corbyn burst into an impromptu song of praise to Nye Bevan based upon “an old Welsh miners song of brotherhood…. And sisterhood… And LGBThood,” he added hastily
Meanwhile, rumours that the Conservative party has employed Penelope Keith to play Theresa May have been strenuously denied, although Meryl Streep has been seen entering Downing Street dressed in a blue twin set.
The announcement that Jim Davidson has been elected as the 15th UKIP leader in two months and intends to become the “acceptable voice of right wing populism” was met with no surprise whatsoever.
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