Author’s note: The europeans sent a space craft to Mars which promptly crashed, despite having music by Blur on it. No one could find it, which reminded me of something else no one could find…

Scientists have confirmed today that after a week of detailed exploration, they have “utterly failed” to detect the presence of weapons of mass destruction on the surface of the Red Planet.

The news follows on from the gloomy conclusion that the European landing craft “Beagle 2” has also been lost. “We assume this must be due to Martian terrorist activity,” explained Colin Pillinger, the lead European Scientist from the European Space Agency HQ in a small portacabin outside Rotterdam. “I can think of no other credible explanation. We spent hours in the control room whistling and shouting ‘Here Boy!’ into the microphone but there’s no sign of it.”

The search was initiated after top US intelligence reports revealed the likelihood of a hostile regime sheltering in the Martian lands. Although classified as “Top Secret”, it is believed that the sources of these reports are “highly credible” and stretch back over many decades. “The original report was produced in the UK as long ago as the start of the last century,” claimed a source who has seen the evidence. “It described in blood-curdling terms the destructive capabilities of the weapons and merciless way in which they were used. Subsequent information includes radio broadcasts and black and white film of the terrorist Martians gleefully using their weapons of mass destruction.”

A spokesman for the US Military was confident that evidence of weapons of mass destruction would be found soon. “We launched our mission to protect the people of Mars and defend freedom. We may never find the actual weapons, but we will find evidence of the weapons programmes. If we fail to find evidence of the programme, we will find evidence that there was evidence of the programme. And if we don’t find that, we’ll make sure we capture a Martian and put him on trial to keep everyone at Fox News happy”

Despite the bullishness of the military, some questions are now being asked after it was revealed that the US Mars Exploration Mission has actually discovered “the biggest oilfield in the Solar System” beneath the Martian surface. Further surprise was expressed when it was revealed that the US lander, Spirit, had been equipped with facilities to immediately begin drilling and extracting this oil “just in case,” as well as planting a large flag in the ground saying “Property of the United States.”

“We believe that we should always be prepared for any eventuality,” claimed the top US mission scientist, Karen Hart. “We just got lucky with randomly landing on top of a massive oil reserve and having the right equipment to exploit it. It was also very convenient that Halliburton just happened to have set up their Martian Sales Office next door to the site the week before, so we could get straight on with awarding contracts. Sheesh; how lucky is that?”

It does appear that the discovery of the oil fields may well prompt different relations with other leaders in the Solar System. George Bush confirmed that he would be reviewing the sanctions against Ming the Merciless on condition that he paid compensation for the “Columbia Shuttle Bombing”

Author’s note: England won the rugby world cup and surely there was political capital to be made…

Tony Blair has denied accusations of “shameless populism” and defended his decision to appoint all 30 of the England squad to the cabinet on the basis of “vital electoral bandwagonism”

“I have selected them not because they are the most popular people in the country at the moment,” claimed Mr Blair from a stretcher outside Downing Street, this morning. “I have selected them because of their political experience – namely none. They are fresh keen minds ready to take on the complex political issues of the day and more importantly be bossed around by me. I’m the captain. I’m the coach. I’m the one who gives the orders round here. It’s a shame certain ex-Chancellors didn’t understand that. Nurse! Fetch me my Jonny Wilkinson Celebratory Drop Kick Oxygen Bottle.”

The effectiveness of the new Cabinet was demonstrated in an early Parliamentary debate following the Queens speech. As Michael Howard, the Leader of the Opposition, stood up to address his concerns regarding the Government’s legislative programme, the Cabinet started to shift uneasily on their seats. As Mr Howard continued, describing the proposals variously as “Nonsense, rubbish, pants” and “Something I’d be embarrassed if my arse had produced,” the Cabinet now formed around the rallying cry of Martin Johnson into a scrum and charged forward. A clearly surprised Mr. Howard, immediately started to re-consider, adding that “On reflection, it’s not that bad really. Actually, parts of it are pretty good. My word is that the time? I must hand over to the Leader of the Liberal-Democrats for his opinion.”

Charles Kennedy, then stood up, clutching a bottle of whisky and attempted to rouse the Liberal-Democratic front bench spokesman into a scrum to meet the rapidly approaching Cabinet. As Mr Kennedy encouraged an apparently terrified Menzies Campbell and Simon Hughes to form a ruck, explaining that he was right behind them – and a wall of another 15 Lib-Dem MP’s – he too started to have second thoughts as to the merits of the Government proposals. Commenting that he “hadn’t really had time to look at it” and “that he didn’t want to come to any hasty conclusions” he finished with an exhortation to his team to “get in there and fight” before excusing himself and disappearing into the Stranger’s Bar.

The new Cabinet have also been demonstrating its abilities on the world stage. As the new Foreign Secretary, Jonny Wilkinson, met with his European counterparts, he demonstrated the UK’s opinion of the new European Constitution by grabbing the draft from Romano Prodi and drop kicking it over the heads of the assembled dignitaries.

Conservative Party attempts to counter the new Government by employing members of the English Football team have met with less success, however. At the launch, the new Shadow Home Secretary, David Beckham, attempted to read from a prepared speech but after admitting that he knew very little about immigration policy, he launched an alternative policy on hair care products and soft drinks. However, at this point a fight erupted between other members of the shadow cabinet over “who should have first go in roasting Anne Widdecombe.”

Reports that the Liberal Democrats have attempted to replace their front bench with the members of the victorious Scottish Ladies Olympic Curling Team have been strenuously denied.

Author’s note: If I could get one story out of a dodgy footman, I could get two. Comedy Gold.

Following on from the latest scandal involving a reporter posing as Royal footman, the Brains Trust can reveal that the extent of falsehood runs much deeper within the Palace.

An extensive study of Royal records by renowned Royalologist Derek Gadd has revealed a number of inconsistencies and inaccuracies within the lineage. “My attention was first drawn to the suspicious lack of surnames for any of them. Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Princess Anne – they could be anyone, just turning up and calling themselves what they like. So I decided to look a bit deeper and discovered that these people are not who they claim.”

According to Mr. Gadd, ‘Queen’ Elizabeth is actually drag artist Keith Stopes of Bermondsey, who was plucked from a double act at Madame Jo Jo’s, the renowned London gay club and cabaret venue. Famous for his love of exotic and ostentatious costumes, Mr. Stopes was one of the most popular acts, frequently leading singalongs with his broad cockney accent and cheeky wide-buy banter. His partner in the act was Philpos, an immigrant Greek dancer. He was another well beloved performer, with his mangled syntax and astonishing plate smashing routine. “He used to launch the plates above the audience and blast away at them with his shotgun,” claimed Mr. Gadd. “He’d occasionally get one of audience

Research has revealed that after visiting the Palace in the early 1950’s to perform their cabaret, Mr. Stopes and Philipos never performed at Madame Jo Jo’s again and no trace of them can be found. Mr Gadd also claims that others in the Royal household are also not who they claim to be.

“Prince Charles is actually the simple minded son of the Palace gardener,” explained Mr Gadd, enthusiastically leafing through photo’s of the Palace staff from the 1960’s. One photo shows a jug eared man with buck teeth standing behind his prize winning marrow with his young son of similar appearance. Writing on the back says simply, “Head Gardener Windsor with his prize winning marrow and other vegetable.” Mr Gadd believes that Charles would be happily leading a simple life tending his beloved plants, if he hadn’t been seduced by a nymphomaniac socialite Diana in the 1970’s. “The poor chap didn’t know what had hit him,” said Mr. Gadd. “She would cop off with anyone. She makes Paris Hilton look like the Virgin Mary. The video of her and the band of the Blues and Royals including their ceremonial goat defies belief. It’s just lucky that Charles’s Mother, Camilla, has taken such a special interest in tending to his needs. She even shares his bedroom to cope with any midnight accidents.”

Mr. Gadd also provided evidence for many other members of the so-called Royal Family. “Prince Andrew – the first picture of him is aged 24 standing behind the Queen on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, looking rather surprised and wearing a baseball cap and T-shirt saying ‘University of Minneapolis. UK Basketball Tour ’82.’ According to those present at the time, he was trying to find his way to the toilet.  Prince Harry, the son of a local Guardsman. Prince William, the local window cleaner. Prince Edward, I’ve not been able to figure out what he does, and neither has anyone else at the Palace”

Mr. Gadd has spent many years attempting to trace the real Royal Family. Although he has been unsuccessful, his search has revealed that they live in the Beckenham area. “Although it’s difficult to be precise, it appears that the name of the latest heir is David. Beyond that trying to find out any more of David of Beckenham is nearly impossible, but I’m sure he must try and sneak into Buckingham Palace occasionally.”

Author’s note: A Daily Mirror journalist got a job at the Palace using false references and was promptly arrested. If they could do it, then surely the Brains Trust could manage it too.

The Brains Trust found itself at the centre of a national scandal after one of its reporters managed to infiltrate the security at Buckingham Palace and claim a job as a Royal Equerry.

Mustapha Al-Maquaab recently joined the Brains Trust staff after a spell as a foreign correspondent in the Middle East. Although a relatively unknown figure, Mr Al-Maquaab has worked as a war journalist in both Afghanistan and Iraq, managing to infiltrate both countries a long time before actual war broke out. He cuts a memorable figure, with a large selection of scars, an eye patch and hook replacing one hand, although he is reticent about his talents and refuses any interviews on his past, especially from the police or security services.

Editor in Chief of the Brains Trust, Carroll, explained that he had been particularly impressed with Mr Al-Maquaab’s knowledge of protocol and keenness to “get in and explore” the UK’s premier institutions and buildings. “He was always hanging around the Houses of Parliament, American Embassy and our major military installations. The moment I asked for volunteers for the Buckingham Palace job, his hook was straight up in the air,” confirmed Carroll. “I was a little concerned that he wouldn’t fit in at the Palace, what with his continual cries of ‘Death to the infidels!’ and fondness for plane spotting, but he insisted on going for an interview”

The position of Royal Equerry was advertised at the local Westminster Job Centre and in the journal “Palace & Servant Monthly.” Mr Al-Maquabb applied for the position and was immediately awarded an interview with Lord Lieutenant Charles Fortesque –Palmer. “I believe Lord Fortesque-Palmer was keen to fill the single ethnic minority slot that had been pending at the Palace for the last 5 years,” explained Carroll. The Palace performed the interview, eschewing the usual questions about relevant experience and security matters, instead concentrating on whether Mr Al-Maquabb “was a poofter who liked blabbing to the press.” The Palace did try to confirm Mr Al-Maquabb’s references with “M. Mouse, Disneyland, Paris” but were unable to find anyone who spoke French or Murine. They were similarly unable to contact “D. Dare, Venus” and so took this testimonial on trust, as “Captain Dare was a military hero”.

Once Mr. Al-Maquabb started his duties he immediately struck up a rapport with a number of members of the Royal household, reportedly telling one colleague, “With my war record, loathing of homosexuals and women and fondness for shooting, I have really hit it off with Prince Philip.” The plan was then for Mr Al-Maquabb to take photos of the interior of the Palace for the Brains Trust and record movements of members of the Royal family. However, he reportedly insisted on “really testing out the security” by attempting to secrete anthrax into the Corgis food and smuggle a loaded snub nose revolver into Palace. Carroll drew the line when it was discovered that Al-Maquabb had tried to take a small nuclear device disguised as an extra large tiara into work with him.

The Palace has launched an immediate investigation into security but has issued a statement claiming that it is “certain there won’t be any further lapses now we’ve employed our new heads of security Sam Husain and Oswald Binlander”

Author’s note: As we currently find ourselves in the 100th year of a Conservative government, we forget that the previous Labour administration was actually pretty tough on the wrong sort of immigrant (ie non-white ones).

David Blunkett, the Home Secretary, announced a new set of measures for dealing with recalcitrant immigrants, promising a policy that would be “tough on asylum seekers and tough on the families of asylum seekers.”

Mr Blunkett made the announcement to a packed press conference at Heathrow Airport. “This is a plan that will only be used for the most extreme of circumstances” claimed Mr Blunkett, grabbing the ear of a passing tourist’s child and twisting it, to demonstrate some of the persuasive techniques he intended to adopt. “Initially we shall seize the wife and children of any asylum seekers and imprison the children in a Perspex case above the Thames and refuse to feed them anything. We reckon they’ll be able to last for several weeks in these conditions although they may find the industrial scale barbeque and pig roast we are planning on setting up beneath it a lttle distracting. Of course we won’t be restricting their access to fluids and will allow them to drink their own urine. We’re not animals you know.”

Mr Blunkett continued by explaining that if the asylum seekers or “freeloading darkies” as he repeatedly referred to them, still refused the offer of a luxury, no-expense-spent, EasyJet flight and parachute to their home country “or somewhere fairly close”, the Government would have no choice but to take further measures. “We could certainly envisage some sort of poking of children with sharp sticks, or possibly some minor cigarette burns. But the plans are still in the consultative phase at the moment.”

It is also expected that Mr Blunkett will be looking into other measures. “I am not able to say precisely what these may entail for reasons of vital national security,” he intoned darkly. “However, we shall be looking into a camp similar to Guantanamo Bay, although ours will be situated on the Isle of Wight. There are many similarities between the two locations; the Isle of Wight is a protectorate of the UK, yet is a place which operates a totally separate way of life, that no one wants to visit and those who are there are desperate to get off.” The children would be held under 24 hour surveillance and would be denied access to any legal representation, although they would be represented in a military tribunal by Lance Corporal Kevin Trugg, of the Grenadier Guards. “Corporal Trugg has great experience in post banging, latrine emptying and ditch digging. So if he can’t dig this lot out of the shit, I don’t know who can,” joked Mr Blunkett. Mr Blunkett also refused to rule out torture and possible execution, although he was adamant that these would only be used “as a last resort. Literally.”

The Conservatives have condemned the measures as “outrageously harsh and uncaring – totally unlike us when we were in power.” “If I was still Home Secretary, I’d personally welcome each and every immigrant with a warm blanket and a lovely hot bowl of soup,” claimed Michael Howard, denying charges of shameless opportunism. “I’d then rush them to the nearest five-star hotel and treat them to a relaxing sauna and a new set of designer clothes. And have I mentioned my new policy to cut taxes, improve public services and give everyone a present at Christmas?”

Mr Blunkett dismissed the Tory policies as “softy, cotton wool, lambykin treatment for evil immigrants” before going on to challenge Mr Howard to a fight and announce further measures including “garrotting, anal insertion of red hot pokers and other traditional forms of encouragement. DVD copy of the ‘Good Old Days,’ anyone?”

Author’s note: Georgia, or at least the north part of it, was invaded by Russia in a move that presaged the annexation of the Crimea. Prior to that it was already tying itself in knots over elections. It seemed comedy gold that the US would confuse it.

The United States government has confirmed that it has launched an “all out invasion” of Georgia in an effort to ensure the installation of “democracy, justice and lovely, lovely peace”

The US is believed to be responding to the “crisis in democracy” that has afflicted Georgia in recent weeks. Speaking to the world’s press Colonel Hugo ‘HZH’ Hackenbush claimed that the use of force was essential to return the country to a democracy as quickly as possible. “We will be thanked by a grateful local population for liberating them from the yoke of an evil oppressor,” claimed the Colonel, furiously leafing through a Fodor’s Guide to Eastern Europe. “Does anyone know what the capital of this place is?”

Plans for the liberation of the country are still in the preliminary stages but Colonel Hackenbush outlined the high-level approach. “1) Carpet bomb all populated areas. 2) March in with large numbers of troops and artillery. NB Ensure you do not confuse matters by having people familiar with local customs, terrain, language or culture. 3) Install US citizen who has never been abroad as local leader. 4) Receive tumult of praise from grateful nation.”

When asked about the “democracy” part of the plan, Colonel Hackenbush hastily added “5) Install democracy. Eventually.” The colonel explained that his forces would also be seeking the rapid capture of the “evil dictator Shoveitarsey”. “Does this guy have a moustache, by the way? How about military fatigues? Palaces? What’s his video collection like?”

However, the former Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze is seeking to counter both local and US moves against him by petitioning the United States Supreme Court to declare him the winner of the recent election. “The Court’s willingness to resolve elections decisively without excessive hand-wringing over the validity of specific votes has been a beacon of inspiration to millions across the globe,” said Shevardnadze’s petition to the Court. “It would be disastrous if the so-called principle of majority rule were allowed to ride roughshod over the people’s will,” the petition continued. “We accordingly request the court to declare Mr. Shevardnadze the President of Georgia at its earliest convenience,” the petition concluded. Shevardnadze added a handwritten note at the end of the petition. “It would be great if you guys could get to this by the end of the week! Thanks — Ed,” the note read. “This is just one of those personal human touches that makes Eddie — we all call him Eddie — so lovable,” said a Shevardnadze spokesman.

Commentators are sceptical as to the likelihood of success of this approach. “The Supreme Court will be too busy upholding the indefinite imprisonment of foreigners to worry about this pipsqueak affair,” said Dr. Derek Gadd, Director of the Institute of Results-Oriented Justice at Pepperdine University.

In an unrelated move, President George Bush has just declared a state of emergency in the US state of Georgia and has urgently requested a “large selection of maps”

Author’s note: Prince Charles remained unforgiven for murdering Princess Diana, especially by the Brains Trust

Prince Charles, the heir to the United Kingdom throne, was embroiled in a new controversy today, when it was revealed that he has been accused of being responsible for the premature birth of his newly arrived niece.

The accusation was reported in the Daily Mail and were allegedly made by a valet working for Edward who had reportedly seen Charles “repeatedly kicking Sophie in the stomach and shouting ‘Come on out you bitch. I know you’re in there,'” before disappearing off into the house to see if he could find “a wire coat-hanger or sink plunger to get the little bastard out.” The valet, who had been working for Edward for “well over 15 minutes” as a window cleaner, claimed that Charles had been seen “frothing at the mouth with swivelling eyes” and yelling that Sophie was about to give birth to a reincarnation of Diana or, at the very least, “the daughter of Devil.” He had also been seen to taunt the Countess of Wessex about the paternity of her child, claiming it couldn’t be Prince Edward’s as it was “well known where he liked to park his pork-sword.” On being questioned as to how Prince Charles had visited his brother’s Sunningdale home, whilst allegedly on an official visit to Oman, the valet had claimed that dark forces were at work, before being hastily led away by a representative of the Daily Mail.

The Daily Mail made the claims in its lead story “Evil Queer Charles’s Callous Attempt to Divert Attention From His Sodomising Ways.” It explained that Prince Charles had been desperate to distract attention from his own “gay sex shame” as well as being driven mad by “Edward’s robust manliness” compounded with the thought that William and Harry were not “of his own seed.” According to the Daily Mail, for days previous to the birth of the child, Charles had been attempting to ensure an immediate birth by “secreting himself in cupboards in Sophie’s bedroom” and then leaping from them “dressed only in a Halloween Mask and clutching an industrial sized chainsaw shouting ‘Uncle’s home!’”

The Mail also claimed that on succeeding in bringing about the early labour of the Countess of Wessex, the Prince then refused to call an ambulance and even impeded the vehicle’s progress by lying in the road, blocking the only route out. Apparently the Prince was keen to be present for the birth of his niece, so he could be seen in an heroic light and was anxious for members of the press to arrive to witness the event.

After the child was born, Charles was then alleged to have appeared at the bedside of the Countess and insisted she accompany him outside the hospital for an “impromptu photo opportunity” with her new daughter, who he had conveniently arranged to be present in her “new incubator cum baby stroller.” The stroller, which appeared to be a standard hospital incubator with its plugs trailing behind it, was also accompanied by several nurses who appeared to be engaged in a tug-of-war for the item with Charles and his aides.

Prince Charles, dressed in his “traditional Princely garb of silk tights, garters, knickerbockers and black stilettos” has issued a strong denial of all of the rumours, explaining that “Even though I’ve never heard them and have put a court injunction preventing them being repeated, I completely deny all of them. In fact, I deny being Prince Charles and deny that I have ever been in line for the throne and deny that I have ever denied anything. All I ask is that the public allow me to continue enjoy my enormous privileges, colossal wealth and several mistresses without being harassed. Fishnet stockings, anyone?”

Author’s note: This probably looks ill judged in hindsight, but I think it still makes a valid point. Ian Huntley was being tried for the murder of two school children and there had already been a number of concessions to the media (eg holding the case at the Old Bailey) who had already decided he was guilty (which to be fair, he was). I was worried about turning the trial into a public entertainment. Hence…

Jurors in the Soham murder trial have visited Alton Towers today in a re-creation of the last Bank Holiday spent by the murdered schoolgirls.

The jurors were joined by 300 journalists on a day where they were shown the various sites the children had visited on their final Bank Holiday and attended the rides which they had experienced. The park, which is usually shut over winter, was specially reopened to allow the jurors to consider the final vacation moments of the two victims. The jurors spent 4 hours visiting snack food sales points, buying souvenirs and solemnly partaking of rides, with a number of jurors taking several turns on rides of “special evidential interest.”

The Sun’s headline “Chilling Silence of Death Ride” accompanied a picture of the twelve jurors suspended upside down on the famous Nemesis attraction, pointing out the uncanny lack of other riders on a cold and wet November day when the park is closed. The Sun went on to speculate that the shadow of “child murdering psychopath Ian Huntley must surely be responsible for the lack of rosy cheeked children and contented parents” at the “family fountain of fun”

Other papers pointed out the “screams of terror” as the jurors visited the new “Spinball Whizzer” ride, which is due to open in 2004. “Although the ride was not open for the brutally murdered children’s final joyful visit with their parents, it is certain that they would have wished to try the ride out, had it been in operation. It was only fitting that the jurors experienced the thrill of the new ride so they could understand the pleasure that these children have been denied by their slaughter at the hands of evil, paedophile child-murderer Ian Huntley”

Further visits are also being planned to sites recently visited by the children. However some people have questioned whether such trips were necessary for the jury. This has been strongly rebutted by many papers, who claim that it is essential that jurors are allowed to fully understand the lives of the young children in order to assess their case. “Furthermore, it is essential to continue to provide the media with photo-opportunities to keep this vitally important case in the public eye,” claimed the Daily Mirror, whilst exhorting the court authorities to approve future visits to “Blackpool, Disneyland Europe and Mustique” as essential fact-finding missions.

However, eyebrows have been raised at the Daily Star offering competition winners coach trips to “Soham – Death.Town.” The paper promises “A luxury escorted coach trip to the major sites of death haunted by child-murderer Ian Huntley” as well as offering moments for “tearful reflections on innocence” at favourite playgrounds of local children. The tour also offers time for souvenir buying as well as the services of a professional photographer to provide mementos of the “lucky winners’ day of sombre reflection and joyful remembrance of the children’s lives”

In other news, Jessica Chapman and Holy Wells were reported to be still dead.

Author’s note: I am always amazed that people are amazed at the poor quality of Government ministers. You effectively have to choose someone from a group of no more than 300 narcissists who have no discernible talents apart from a massive ego.

Following on from the successful launch of his new, reduced size shadow cabinet, Michael Howard, the leader of the Conservatives, confirmed today that he had implemented a further reduction in the number of personnel to “one supremely talented individual – namely me”

Mr. Howard was explaining that the Tories were now in desperate need of “big-hitters” to represent their new polices, adding “And you don’t get much bigger than me. No Siree.” Mr. Howard continued by announcing his new team of Shadow Cabinet Members, starting with “Shadow Chancellor, me. Shadow Foreign Secretary, me. Shadow Home Secretary and Education Secretary, both me. Shadow blaa-blaa-blaa every other bloody secretary, me, me and bloody well me”

Mr. Howard continued to announce several other new appointments including “Shadow Black Rod, me in tights. Shadow Speaker of the House of Commons, me with a Scottish accent and Shadow Lord Chief Justice – does that one still exist? Anyway, me in horsehair wig and lovely, lovely Ermine. Does this shade of red suit my eyes?” He also confirmed that he would be personally pushing forward a “middle of the road” policy by simultaneously adopting a Europhile and Eurosceptic agenda as well as representing both the liberal and conservative wings of the party.

One concession to ministerial numbers was made by Mr. Howard, however, when during the press conference he introduced his new Shadow Cabinet partner, a ventriloquist’s dummy called Margaret. Margaret would fulfill duties on behalf Mr. Howard at events he couldn’t attend “such as 1922 committee meetings, constituency functions and anything North of Kensington.” It was also confirmed that Margaret would provide a “public face” for the Conservatives, including attending all press interviews, “especially those with Jeremy Paxman.”

On being questioned about the fate of his former colleagues, Mr. Howard, who promised to “put the shadow back into the Shadow Cabinet”, conceded that there was a “wealth of talent” available to him and assured his fellow MP’s that he would consult with them all and take full account of their views “even though they are a bunch of hopeless losers who couldn’t win an election even if they were the only candidate and the only voter. And I’ll need a good laugh every so often, so I’ll make sure I keep Oliver Letwin’s number close to hand.” He also assured former cabinet members that he would not rake over past conflicts or hold grudges “even against that disloyal slapper May, that mad homunculus Widdecombe or that fat French-fucker Clark.”

Mr. Howard also implored the party to reach out to potential candidates assuring them that “there is a place for everyone in the new inclusive Conservatives – even limp wristed nancy-boys, ex-criminals and bogus asylum seekers. Just as long as they have pots of cash to donate to our fighting fund and don’t expect an invitation to the annual Christmas Dance at the Carlton Club. Just look at Michael Ashcroft and Greg Dyke. I mean we even had that loathsome proletarian Jim Davidson at our last conference”

As Mr. Howard prepared for his first Prime Minister’s question time by practicing a multiplicity of accents as well as demonstrating his ventriloquism skills with his new Shadow Cabinet partner, he assured fellow Tories that the party was in safe hands. “After all,” he quipped “We’ve spent the last three years being run by one wooden top with a speech impediment, so this has got to be an improvement”

Author’s note: I was rather pleased with this. But then a reader declared it “funny and original. Unfortunately the parts that are funny aren’t original and the parts that are original aren’t funny”. A number of other readers then laid in, comparing it to an obscure Not the Nine O’Clock News sketch. Bastards.

Jeb Bush, the Governor of Texas, announced plans today to introduce new “post birth termination procedures” for “criminals, communists, homosexuals and any other evil doers who pollute our glorious state”

The plans follow on from the controversial decision to execute Paul Hill the anti-abortion protestor who shot two people dead at an abortion clinic in 1994. Mr Bush has now issued a statement explaining that Mr. Hill’s death was not an “execution” but was in fact a new clinical procedure which was being introduced to deal with “unwanted post-pregnancy embryos.” Mr Bush declined to refer to these as “adults” or “human beings” because “although they bear a superficial resemblance to human beings, they are actually scum sucking criminals with no more right to live on God’s green Earth than a rabid rat”

The introduction of the new policy of “very late stage abortion” has already caused controversy and confusion. Anti-abortion group, “God loves everyone* (*some exceptions apply)”, has issued two statements simultaneously condemning the practice of abortion but welcoming the new “life termination procedures” for criminals. Conversely, Karen Hart, press officer for the pro-choice group “Freedom to Fuck”, issued a statement welcoming the extension of abortion rights but vigorously condemning the use of the death penalty. As the two bitterly opposed groups found themselves vigorously agreeing and disagreeing with one another, an “unutterably satisfied” Mr Bush was able to declare the new policy a success and announce the further changes to abortion laws.

Under these changes, the state of Texas will ban early-stage abortions but introduce a new practice of “pre-emptive execution”. By using the “finest information analysis money can buy” state officials will analyse the demographics of all pregnant women, identify those who are bearing likely criminals and execute the “proto-criminals” before they can do any harm. Although, the precise definitions still have to be finalised, Mr. Bush thought it likely that pregnant women who were “black, unemployed or showed a worrying tendency to vote Democrat” were likely to find their “undoubted criminal offspring” executed. Once again, Mr Bush found his policy being simultaneously damned and applauded. A particularly bemused anti-abortion spokesman Reverend Kevin Buffle found himself condemning Mr Bush as a “child murdering son of Satan” whilst praising his “God like beneficence for his support for the death penalty”

Following on from the success of these new policies in wrong-footing his opponents, it is believed that Mr Bush is likely to issue several more laws concerning new clinical procedures. Plans have been mooted for Police officers to be reclassified as medical personnel, with nightsticks, electronic stun guns and firearms to be considered as surgical instruments. Police brutality will now be termed “post-surgical trauma” and unlimited incarceration without trial will be permitted under new-legislation reclassifying prisons as hospitals. The policy would also have a “wholly co-incidental” affect of immediately doubling Texas’ spending on healthcare, whilst simultaneously reducing its crime rate to “approximately 0”

Mr. Bush has denied that these plans are designed to pander to extreme right wing voters, whilst appearing to meet liberal voters’ demands, explaining that anyone who claimed they were would find themselves suddenly in urgent need of medical attention from “the State Medical Commissioner, Sergeant “Rocky” Rockson, and his team of 300 pound surgical assistants”