Author’s note: This was a rather extreme extrapolation of the argument that if you removed all security checks for air travel, it would ultimately reduce terrorism by removing terrorists who would be arrested or killed and by making air disasters seem more mundane. It would also reduce air travel having a beneficial effect on the climate. Probably.
The world’s major airlines announced that they would be building on the security measures recently put in place, including the deployment of armed sky marshals, by launching a series of “hijack friendly” routes for terrorists.
It is understood that the new routes are expected to tempt hijackers worried by the prospect of detection on the new high security routes, thereby making these routes even safer. The new routes offer shoddy security checks by barely trained staff, rudimentary passport analysis and a “bring one knife, get one free offer – for a limited time only.”
The new routes were introduced by Rod Eddington, Chief Executive of British Airways, at a packed press conference. Mr. Eddington explained that the introduction of the routes was in response to customer demand and the sensible balance of risk and reward. He also confirmed that the selection of the destination cities had been easier than anticipated. “Many cities are keen to avoid terrorist activity, for obvious reasons. However, a number are equally keen to exploit some of the potential that terrorism offers. Take Scunthorpe or Pittsburgh. What a complete pair of shit-holes. Their councillors are practically crying out for kerosene laden Jumbo Jets to come crashing down on them and destroy their collection of old industrial sites and derelict housing. The moment it happens, you can bet your sweet bippy that Government grants and charitable donations will be lavished on them from all sides.”
The new routes have been trialled for a number of months now and include novel features to ease the passage of suicidal fundamentalists. Special extra large over-head lockers on planes will allow the storage for up to a “medium-size nuclear device,” although full size bombs will still need to be stowed in the baggage hold. Extra leg room will accommodate the complex foot movements required by shoe bombers and helpful emergency exit signs and lights will guide the uncertain terrorist to the best point on the aircraft to cause maximum damage and ensure a successful exit to the afterlife.
Unsurprisingly, the new service is already coming under pressure from competition. Shortly after the announcement, Stelios Haji-Ioannou confirmed that he was launching a “new budget service for the cost conscious terrorist – EasyBomb.” The no-frills service will offer no reserved seating and only light snacks to sustain the hungry terrorist. However, with some of the most attractive fares in the air and extra discounts for internet bookings and former Mujahideen veterans, Mr. Haji-Ionannou believed that take-up of seats would be “very rapid.” He also promoted his firm’s innovative “frequent felon” scheme, promising that every tenth hijacking on selected routes would be free.
As a final point, it was also felt that the new routes would be attractive ways of entering high-security countries for people who traditionally found it difficult to gain entry; Mr Eddington gave a heartfelt plea for the rights of people to freedom of movement. “These are people – flesh and blood, the same you and me – that the rest of the world despises, who find themselves unwelcome wherever they appear. I believe that our new terrorist friendly routes with their low security and poor-quality identity checks will finally allow the French to travel once again.”
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