Author’s note: This was around the time of the Enron accounting scandal
Andersens, the consultancy and audit firm, reacted with surprise to the news today that they had been added to the list of terrorist organisations compiled by the CIA. The news followed on from Andersens battering from audit scandals at Waste Management and Enron. However, it appears that the shock admission that they had also acted as consultants to Al-Qaeda and accountants of the personal fortune of Osama Bin Laden was the main cause of the listing.
“In hindsight, it was a regrettable association” commented Joseph Bernardino, chief executive officer at Andersens, from a secret location believed to be a small cave in North Carolina. “However, we behaved with scrupulous professionalism throughout and are proud of our success in the strategic realignment of the World Trade Centre. We just didn’t expect Al-Qaeda to take the words “re-engineering” so literally. Still, at least we got over $100M in fees from them”.
Andersens were already under pressure for their role in the bankruptcy of Enron where they deny any connection between the huge consulting fees they obtained and their inability to see any problems in the exotic accountancy practices used by the company. “There was no link between the consultancy and audit operations” claimed David Duncan, the partner in charge of the Enron account “At least not in the literal sense, although possibly in the metaphorical one”.
However, Mr. Duncan went on to admit that the auditors may have been temporarily blinded by the enormous cheque on offer for consulting. “I’m telling you, that sucker was huge” he added “With that thing held in front of your eyes there was no way you could see all those fiddly numbers on the ledger”. He also went on to deny that the company had shredded important documents explaining that they had simply been “making streamers for the Christmas party”.
However, the terrorist listing creates a bigger problem for the company. Suspicions were first aroused after a number of Andersen consultants started wearing rocket powered trainers that they used to eject themselves from tricky client meetings, typically where a distraught customer was asking what the firm had actually done for the $50M they had charged in fees. Further discoveries at Al-Qaeda training camps of walls covered in Post-It notes connected by arrows and whiteboards with mysterious circles containing incomprehensible jargon were later revealed as Andersen’s customer-centric knowledge elicitation process flow techniques. Al-Qaeda terrorists confessed under interrogation that they “hadn’t understood a word of it” but hadn’t liked to say anything “in case they looked stupid”.
Andersens has issued a statement saying that they are looking forward to the challenge of the new opportunities offered by their placing on the list of the World’s most wanted organisations. “Our consultants are already being re-skilled in the arts of disguise, smuggling and sabotage. We will be offering this as a service to our new customer base consisting of blue-chip terrorist organisations including Iraq, North Korea, Zimbabwe and many more. Indeed, we have already come up with a new name for the new service – Foresight and Undercover Camouflage Teamworking. We are sure that our new slogan will be one the whole industry can rally round – ‘Get FUCT by Andersens'”.
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