Russia Piloting New “Anti-Terrorism Strategy”

Author’s Note: This was written at the time of the Russian Hostage Crisis in 2002 See also the next article

The Russian Government admitted today that the end of the Moscow Theatre siege leading to the death of over 100 hostages was actually part of a “terribly clever new strategy” for dealing with terrorism. 

“It may seem unnecessarily risky to release a poisonous gas into small area with nearly 1000 innocent people, but I ask you – how can you be sure which are innocent and which are guilty?” asked Russian President Vladimir Putin. “Who knows how many of those people might have already committed a criminal act? How many of them may be potential terrorists, waiting to subjugate the innocent population of Russia?” He stopped briefly to wipe away some flecks of spittle that had formed at the corners of his mouth and then continued “To use the words of Heinrich Himmler ‘It is better that 10 innocent men die than one guilty man escapes’. I’m not saying I agree, but it’s worth a thought, isn’t it?”

Mr Putin then went on to announce his new war on “potential terrorists”. “We have been inspired by our comrades in the United States to aggressively seek out the nests in which these potential terrorists may lurk and breed. They shall find no solace. We shall pursue them throughout Chechnya and raze their towns and flatten their houses. It seems clear to us that only by attacking the root cause of the problem and eliminating all the potential troublemakers in Chechnya – namely the entire population – can we ensure the security of Mother Russia. And if we get any dissent from within Georgia, we’ll take a pretty dim view of that as well, I should co-co.”

The approach has received broad endorsement from other countries around the world. George Bush has welcomed it and offered to exchange “best practice” in rooting out terrorism. It is felt that the US Government would be willing to share its own developments for dealing with terrorists in the US including denying them a public trial, housing them in offshore islands and flattening their home countries. In return the US would be keen to learn more from the Russian historic excellence is suppression. The use of Gulags, advanced interrogation techniques and carefully staged show trials were all felt to be useful skills that the US could adopt in its fight against terrorists. Mr Bush also explained that the US was “keen to study President Putin’s strategy for dealing with Chechnya and it’s weapons of mass destruction – although from the pictures I’ve seen of Grozny it looks like most of these have already gone off. It just shows how careful you have to be with these things and why it’s in Iraq’s best interests that we come in and take them away. It’s for their own safety.”

Israel and Palestine are also expected to send delegates to Russia, although they are both complaining of “infringement of copyright”. The Israelis believe that the techniques used by Russia are in direct violation of several patents they have taken out in their struggle against the Palestinians. Ariel Sharon commented “This is our intellectual property and it is unacceptable for some johnny come lately to start using it without even an acknowledgement.” Yasser Arafat agreed but was aggrieved that the Chechens had stolen the Palestinians suicide bombing methodology. “Normally, I’d be happy to let others use this stuff, but they’re rank amateurs. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. There were 50 of them and they only managed to get 2 measely hostages and had to rely on the Russians to do the rest. I ask you!”

For the Chechens, Aslan Maskhadov responded from a partially flattened corrugated hut in Grozny on hearing of the new Russian initiative, “New? What’s new about it?”