Author’s note: This was the lead article in the Brains Trust when it was published on Thursday 13th September, 2001. The Twin Towers were attacked on the Tuesday.
In an unprecedented series of events this week, communities from across the face of the earth came together to celebrate God’s love and God himself has moved amongst us and declared himself perfect.
After the horrific events in the US, and following on from genocide in Europe and Africa, God’s representatives on the Earth have issued a joint communiqué to assure the world that God is indeed a great chap and that his works, although beyond human comprehension, are without doubt for the good of mankind.
Muslims have immediately declared Fatwa’s against the widest possible variety of blasphemers to ensure the hurried entry of the devout into Heaven. Israeli Rabbinical settlers have called for the destruction of Palestine so that it can house God’s chosen people and George Bush has promised a crusade against the enemies of the USA.
With this massive upswelling of God’s love throughout the world, God himself has now initiated a review of his operations and declared himself “completely satisfied” with his performance and confirmed that his representatives across the face of Earth retain his “full confidence”.
God, simultaneously delivering the statement in his multiplicity of forms, went on to explain, “In the light of recent events, it seemed an appropriate time to review the success of our long-term strategy, namely to bring peace, hope and goodwill to all peoples of the Earth. We have now had the opportunity to consult with all the chief executives of our operations on the Earth and are happy to confirm that we are indeed perfect and that our followers are immeasurably grateful and delighted. We intend to see out the full tenure of our contract for this role, namely eternity.”
Recently, however, a number of groups have started to question God’s role in events and wonder whether God’s strategy may be out of date. Derek Gadd of the Atheist League asked, “How come it’s always man that gets the blame for the bad stuff and God that takes the credit for all the good stuff? If we’re going to take the stick, we might as well get the credit as well. It’s time we took responsibility for our own actions. God should step aside and allow others a crack at the whip”
Religious analyst Christian Davidson pointed out, “The watchword of the modern era is focus. God heads up an old style conglomerate with a variety of different operations – Christians, Jews, Muslims etc. – many of whom are in competition with each other. This has led to a number of tensions and, frankly, the senior religious executives have taken their eye off the ball when it comes to peace and harmony.”
However, a real problem arises as God has failed to successfully groom a successor in the event he does step down. Previous attempts have all met with failure, one early candidate being memorably nailed to a cross. Repeated promises to name a Messiah have been fudged and a clear succession plan is still forthcoming.
God has acknowledged these issues and has promised that a Messiah will be announced shortly. He went on to explain, “As I am the only omnipotent being in the universe, only I am able to understand why these events are for the good of humanity. I’m afraid the rest of you will just have to have faith”
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