Author’s note: I loved this article at the time and it’s fairly typical of my emerging style – start with something ludicrous and then add to it. Tom, the Editor in Chief, however declared it trivial and it was never published. I did eventually manage to sneak Ground Force Jihad into an article a couple of years later about war artists in Iraq (along with Trinny and Susannah’s “What not to bomb”).
After an initial flirtation with Islamic influenced versions of its most popular shows, the BBC today announced the next phase in its plan to win back audience share in the increasingly saturated ‘lifestyle’ television sector.
‘Ground Force Jihad – the Holy war on weeds’ will be “the Mother of all lifestyle programmes” declared Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC, this morning. “An army of Hizbullah Muslim fundamentalists will sweep into your garden and lay waste to everything in it. Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock will then follow on and engage in ethnic cleansing of impure strains of plants, segregating different varieties and dead-heading weak or old members and burying them in an unmarked compost heap at the back of the garden. Mr. Dyke deflected criticism from the early pilots, where the owner’s house, car and children had also been destroyed, describing these as “teething troubles”. “We’ve hired some ex Israeli para-troopers to make sure that the Hizbullah stay in designated areas” he explained.
If the format of combining hard-hitting documentary techniques with popular ‘makeover’ series is successful, several other initiatives are already in development. ‘Changing Rooms with the Real IRA’ invites balaclava clad squads of Irish hoodlums masquerading as freedom-fighters to blow up the living rooms of randomly selected members of the public. ‘Holiday 2002’ with Carol Smilee and the Filipino Abu Sayyaf guerrillas will explore new jungle based adventure holidays with a group of blindfolded B-list television personalities. This format may be extended to create a ‘Survivor’ style game whereby the contestants are executed one by one following a nomination and telephone vote.
Mr. Dyke then went on to explain that the masterminds behind a number of the BBC’s most popular shows had also been sold as consultants to peace-keeping units in some of the world’s worst trouble spots. “Not only will the BBC be helping to promote peaceful co-operation around the world but this will also deliver increasing revenues for quality programme development at the BBC. Our latest endeavour ‘The Weakest Link Topless Mud Wrestling Special’ – hosted by Sara Cox and Anne Robinson – will be entirely funded by this initiative”
Peace keepers in the Arab-Israeli conflict have flown in Lillian Too to employ feng shui techniques in solving the regions problems. Ms. Too explained “It is obvious that the Yin of Palestine is not in alignment of the Yang of Israel. By bringing the two sides together in a Karmically balanced environment with a suitable wind chime we shall see the differences melt away” Ms. Too was last seen cowering under a Karmically balanced table as the two negotiators settled their differences with Karmically balanced automatic rifles and petrol bombs.
Greater success is anticipated by Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen in Macedonia where he blames the conflict on poor quality wall coverings. The addition of chintz and rough silks to the rebel hideouts has already created a more peaceful atmosphere which the rebels were reported to be happy with prior to them being firebombed by the Macedonian armed forces.
Greg Dyke concluded by saying that he was particularly looking forward to the BBC’s toughest challenge – Sir Jimmy Saville hosting a ‘Jim’ll Fix It Special’ for the Conservative Leadership Election: “If we can crack the most malevolent conflict in the world we can crack anything”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 