Author’s note: the poor old Queen Mum was rushed into hospital for a blood transfusion and I ended up writing this. Deary me.
In a brief statement today, Buckingham Palace confirmed that the recent blood transfusion for the Queen Mother was not because she had anaemia but because she was one of the undead. The statement explained “Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother has been exhibiting vampirical tendencies for some time and her recent excessive exposure to the sun had necessitated the emergency infusion of fresh blood to ensure that she remains her usual fragrant self”
Commenting on the announcement, royal watcher and vampire expert Count Vladimir Z Hackenbush explained: “Up until now, it was felt that descriptions of the Royal Family as a bunch of blood-sucking leeches were a metaphorical excess but this shows that this isn’t the case. Her Majesty has a close association with the East European royal bloodlines related to vampirism and has recently exhibited all the classic symptoms of a vampire – great age, bad teeth and a propensity for living in ostentatious castles and wearing ludicrous fancy dress”
Sources close to the Royal Family were reported to be less sanguine. A royal equerry, who declined to be named, claimed “It’s been a complete pain. She just spends her evenings flapping around the Palace biting the corgis and abusing the footmen”
The transformation of the Queen Mother from harmless old crone to Horror Empress is thought to be part of a re-branding exercise currently being carried out by the Royal Family. Work with focus groups has suggested that the public tends to associate royal titles with characters from the horror genre. The Royal Family has been encouraged to move into this space. It is widely anticipated that the next announcement will be that Prince Philip has been re-branded as ‘Prince Lupus – the reverse Werewolf’ – who spends his entire life snarling at people and assaulting women except when there’s a full moon and he becomes a charming sophisticate.
Some other attempts in the re-branding exercise have been less successful, however. The move to resurrect the Princess of Wales as ‘Diana – Queen of the Night’ met with disastrous consequences. A mysterious figure known only as Prince Charles commented “Prince Andrew tried to launch an SAS style raid on Diana Island in the Althorp Estate to get her back but unfortunately he only ended up bagging a brace of duck. We eventually persuaded Earl Spencer to exhume her by offering him a job at Prince Edward’s media company. We then employed a little known doctor from a private Swiss clinic – Herr Doctor Baron Frankenstein – to reanimate her. He managed to get her going again but she looked a right state. And she was never that bright when she was alive but this time she could barely string a sentence together. Her re-launch at a ‘Child Victims of HIV’ Royal Garden party was a catastrophe – she kept popping out of the hedges, groaning and chucking the AIDS victims in the duck pond.”
An official spokesman for the Royal Family denied the re-branding effort and simply commented as the sun set, “Ah, the Children of the Night. What music they make” before biting a passing tourist and flitting off into the dark.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 