Author’s note: The post-9/11 issue was a very tricky one to get right, especially as Tom our rather strict Editor in Chief had chosen that moment to go on holiday, leaving clear instructions to Editor Robert “not to fuck it up”. The lead articles had to be about 9/11 but we still needed others. So where else did we turn, but to Ken Livingstone, source of continued joy for the writers of the Brains Trust
Ken Livingstone announced today that after repeated attempts to get anyone to pay attention to him, he was now launching a Greater London Authority “Day of Inaction”.
Mr Livingstone, speaking at the end of an all day review of the GLA’s successes held in La Gavroche, declared to the assembled throng: “It is clear that the GLA has been an unparalleled success and that we enjoy the full support of all Londoners. However, the Government and its media lackeys have completely ignored us. So, in a last ditch attempt to make the media pay attention, we are launching our Day of Inaction. Throughout the Capital, the GLA executive and all of its officers will do precisely nothing. Let us then see what these running dog of capitalist propaganda will be able to achieve without our guiding hand to oil the wheels of the legislature”
Mr Livingstone, slurring his speech with emotion and tired and exhausted from his stirring rhetoric, had to sit down but continued with his explanation. “The most senior executives will follow a route of inactivity through London’s most important administrative centres – Langan’s Brasserie, The Ivy, La Pont de la Tour and many more. We will stop at each one to declare our manifesto of militant indolence. We have been inspired by the spirit of Jarrow and will be following the example of the hunger marchers – except we will be taking taxis between each location and stopping for light refreshments at each one.”
One of Ken Livingstone’s most trenchant political allies, Helen Mirren, the actress, went on to comment: “I can’t believe the media’s biased coverage of Ken’s achievements. Of course, I’m used to it, as the media have long been against my husband, Taylor Hackford’s, films and have frequently declared them unwatchable crap when everyone in the industry understands that he is the new Francois Truffaut. But Ken is only used to adoring sycophancy from people and is increasingly distressed at the ire hurled at him. His work on transport has been outstanding. I have direct experience of how important public transport is in London. My housekeeper frequently arrives 15 minutes late at my house in the morning because of tube delays. If this continues, I’ll have to let her go which would be devastating for her as she is a Bosnian single Mother and the minimum wage really makes a difference.
Mr Livingstone, who reawoke after brief refreshing nap, finished with a rousing appeal to all Londoners “I rousingly appeal to all Londoners to join myself and the GLA in doing absolutely nothing. After all, we’ve managed to get away with it for over a year.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 