Author’s note: Pledge cards. Undoubtedly, a better idea than the Ed Stone
Shocked Labour Party officials issued an urgent recall of their new pledge cards this morning.
A Labour Party spokesman announced that the pledge cards had been found to contain “several dangerous phrases which people might mistake for a commitment to actually do something.” He continued “Clearly this was never the intention of these cards. They were meant more as novelty gifts like the ones you get with a Happy Meal from McDonalds. They were designed to be completely safe in the hands of children under the age of 36 months and our backbenchers.”
The new Pledge Cards were a replacement to the original model released five years ago. This model developed a serious fault mid-way through the last Parliament that caused it to repeatedly blow up in the Government’s face. The new design, which incorporated slicker lines and smoother promises, was expected to have much safer handling.
With the new model containing similar flaws, the Labour Party has now instigated an urgent redesign of the card to remove the offending elements. Several new proto-types have been developed and these are being tried out on focus groups. One version, ‘Mandy’s Mr. Motivator’, comes accompanied by a talking plastic figurine which repeats a few key phrases listed on the card; “Fight don’t quit”, “Everyone else is a loser” and “Never Surrender” are some examples. This version is reported to have been popular with Northern Irish focus groups. Another version, the ‘Probably Card’, lists exactly the same pledges as the Pledge Card but adds the word ‘probably’ to the end of each one.
The Prime Minister denied claims that the party was trying to renege on its commitments or distract the public from real issues with gimmicks or tricks “This Government is determined to deliver on its promises. We are not interested in tittle-tattle or cheap publicity stunts. Ooh, look everyone! A flying saucer!” The Prime Minister then pointed to a rather tatty Thunderbird model which was lowered by a crane and from which John Prescott emerged, dressed in a green space suit, claiming to represent the Government’s approach to ‘blocking the hole in the ozone layer’ and its leadership on green issues.
The Prime Minister then finished with an assurance to the public “What I do say about the new pledge cards is that they will contain no weasel words or mealy mouthed phrases. Our pledges will deliver immeasurable benefit. Our pledges will commit to the future. Our pledges will seize the day and bring in a brighter to-morrow. I mean, how could you think that we’re afraid to make promises? Just look at our commitment to the Euro.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 