Author’s note: Northern Ireland still managed to occupy a large portion of politicians time, and this was a musing on how specific words become an essential part of the euphemistic lexicon in all conflict resolution. I think that another author, Al Napp, and I had an identical idea and this was a combination of my article and his.
Politicians from all sides of the political debate welcomed the last minute agreement on language use in Northern Ireland today. The agreement, which covers all areas of euphemism, cliché and cant, is a first of it’s kind and is being eagerly studied by other peace-keeping initiatives around the World.
In an historic move, the phrases “Historic Move”, “Extremely Sceptical”, “Significant Step” and “Demand Clarification” are to be put beyond reasonable use. Furthermore, euphemisms such as “Armed Struggle”, “Collateral Damage” and “Freedom Fighters” must immediately be replaced by “Murdering people”, “Murdering innocent people” and “Psychopathic Mass Murderers” respectively.
In a desperate attempt to get both sides actually debating, it is thought that General John de Chastelain, the decommissioning chief, will be issued a cardboard tube and will proceed to “Bop over the head” anyone caught mouthing platitudes and clichés rather than actually discussing the problem.
Gerry Adams, the Sinn Fein leader, said the announcement was “A hugely historic step on the road to ending the armed struggle of the Irish Freedom Fighters. Ow! What the Hell did you do that for?” as General de Chastelain walked away from him brandishing the centre of a roll of ‘Moppets’ kitchen tissue.
As interest in the approach around the world increased, it is believed that General Colin Powell is already working on a similar agreement for use in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Phrases such as “Active self defence” will become “Kill all Palestinians, including children”, “Political activists” will become “Wild-eyed gun wielding Muslim fundamentalists” and “Armed stone throwing insurrectionists” will become “Children lobbing rocks at us, whom we will shoot”.
Within Northern Ireland itself, although the pro-Good Friday agreement parties have all signed up to the treaty, the DUP has immediately rejected it. Ian Paisley is thought to be particularly unhappy with the clauses related to shouting and the decibel levels of delivery. “This is a typical papist trick to try and muffle the honest cries of the mighty numbers of true Unionist yeomen” he bawled from a megaphone outside Stormount to a crowd consisting of his son, daughter and a man who was trying to ask the way to the airport.
Journalists have expressed surprise at another part of the treaty which re-imposes voiceovers on spokespeople for political groups. Previously, the voices of well-known figures such as Gerry Adams could not be used on the British Media and their voices were mimicked by actors. It is now recognised that all politicians spend far too much time talking to the media and this is distracting them from talking to each other. To try and discourage this, all Northern Irish politicians will now be voiced over by well-known cartoon characters: David Trimble will be Mickey Mouse, Martin McGuinness will be Woody Woodpecker and Ian Paisley will be Road Runner and only ever permitted to utter the phrase “Beep-Beep”
Asked for his comments on the agreement, Gerry Adams would only say, “A-tha, a-tha, a-tha, a-tha, a-tha, a-tha, a-tha, a-that’s all folks!”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 