Author’s note: This is the start of my most productive period at the Brains Trust. It’s interesting to note that the Word document of the original article contains 3 articles, all probably written in quick succession. In other news, I suspect it was the start of my least productive period at proper work (sorry, Logica)
After weeks of secret negotiations, Northern Irish Politicians from all sides joined together today to announce their new alternative peace plan. “In layman’s terms” announced an ecstatic Ian Paisley “it’s an alternative to peace. Basically we all hate each other’s guts and this finally acknowledges that all we want to do is beat the shit out of each other.”
Former terrorist leader Martin McGuiness was equally enthusiastic. “It finally means that I can return to my roots. For too many years, I have been living a lie, pretending to be something I wasn’t. So goodbye mild-mannered Education Minister. Hello, psychopathic mass-murderer. At last, I can get back to shooting Protestants and torturing IRA informers”
In recent days, the British Government and the Irish Taishoch had appeared to be moving towards some sort of settlement. The IRA’s offer to put its weapons beyond use by “covering them up with a tarpaulin – possibly even one weighted down by bricks” had been greeted with rapture. Tony Blair had promised to fully implement the Patten Commission’s recommendations of replacing all the RUC’s firearms with spud guns and changing their name to “Kick me – I’m a Unionist Bigot”. UDA leader ‘Mad Dog’ Adair had made conciliatory noises from his prison cell, explaining that he didn’t necessarily want to “line up all Catholic children and shoot the little bastards” but may be prepared to accept “beating them to within an inch of their lives”. Even the Real IRA had admitted that their policy of “wholesale slaughter of Unionist filth” could be considered a “philosophical stance rather than an actual commitment”
However, it now emerges that a third party had initiated secret negotiations in a similar manner to Norway’s overtures to Israel and Palestine in the 1990’s. In this case, it appears that Iraq contacted both Unionists and Republicans and brokered a way back to all out civil war at a time when the Northern Irish appeared dangerously close to the brink of peace. Negotiations were carried out in a secret country (thought to be Kosovo) that reminded the participants what proper hatred of ones neighbours could achieve.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 