Author’s note: After 9/11 the internet was flooded with supposed Nostradamus predictions, which outraged people pointed out were false and thus somehow implied that the real predictions were anything other than nonsense. So, this was a bit of fun around that subject which Tom immediately declared far too frivolous and removed all reference to NostrilAnus.
Also note the sidebar comments at the end – these were additional points that occasionally appeared as a list in a box by the original article. It was a device that was rarely used.
It a startling discovery today it has been claimed that medieval philosopher and prophet Nostradamus has not only foreseen most of the events that have occurred in the world, including quite a few that haven’t happened yet but also the fact that his own predictions would be spoofed by internet hoaxers.
A large number of Nostradamus sayings have circulated the internet since the World Trade Center disaster. These sayings which refer to “two brothers of York in battle”, “the mighty crashing of towers into the sea” and, most scarily, “several well prepared Middle Eastern suicide bombers who will crash four planes into targets in the US” were all attributed to Nostradamus.
Many Nostradamus followers took these as final definite proof that the ancient seer was indeed possessed of great foresight and used the Internet to spread his gospel. One site records that “The mighty Nostradamus has once again shown his ability to foretell the future. Every time a great catastrophe happens, we are able to look back and find that Nostradamus had foreseen it and warned us of it, if only we were prepared to see.” Other went so far as to try and predict what events might be about to happen. “Although it is difficult to be precise, I believe that he has predicted that the end of the world will occur in the not too distant future and it seems to involve a lot of cheese” claimed another site.
However, it now appears that the recent sayings were created by Gary Pipe of Brentwood, Essex in an attempt to impress his friends and persuade Tanya Ellis of the same town to sleep with him. Clearly rattled by this revelation, Nostradamus watchers have scoured the texts again and have found several quatrains that they claim predict that someone called Pipe will write a load of spoof predictions. “These demonstrate that Nostradamus was aware that charlatans would try and mislead the true believers” claimed Martin Blackburn of Nostradamus interest group ‘Crystal Gazing Tree Huggers’. “Only those whose eyes have been opened to the deeper meanings of the spiritual world will be open to the message of Nostradamus. To us it is obvious that a quatrain referring to ‘Large blue oxen with pointed teeth that shall swarm from a boiling sea’ is actually warning of some cynical little shit in Essex who will try and make us look like fools.”
However, other modern prophets have been quick to dismiss Nostradamus as a fraud whose reputation has been greatly overstated by the modern world. “Unlike myself he has no relevance to modern living and provides no answers to modern problems.” claimed astrologer Russell Grant, “Just look at my recent counsel to Capricorns – you will discover that forward planning can avoid unforeseen events. You don’t get Nostradamus giving one twelfth of the World’s population useful advice like that.” Los Angeles seer NostrilAnus, who uses olfactory analysis of Hollywood starlet’s bottoms to predict the future, agreed. “He is a charlatan who makes us serious practitioners appear completely ludicrous” he said, placing his nose between Winona Ryder’s buttocks and chanting the lyrics of ‘Knights in White Satin’ to prepare for a reading.
President George Bush, however, is taking no chances and has asked the CIA to study the works of the philosopher and prophet. Apparently, they have already gleaned that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding out in Afghanistan, trouble could be ahead in Gaza and the West Bank, and ‘Goodbye Baby’ is a dead-cert for the 3:30 at Chepstow. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this guy before?” asked the President, “Especially this bit about someone who’s name rhymes with ‘Bore’ winning an election?”
Sidebar – Things Nostradamus has predicted
The end of the world – 15 times so far
The death of Queen Victoria in a bizarre can-opening incident – the truth has long remained hidden
The fall of the Roman Empire – an early prediction when he was starting out
Kevin Keegan’s 80′ perm – Still dismissed as too ludicrous by observers
The second world war – Probably a lucky guess
Nothing in the future – He is only used to point out events that have happened in the past.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 