Author’s note: this is the first full piece I wrote for the Brains Trust, where it was immediately ignored for being “not very good”. Indeed, it is, at best, mildly amusing, but you have to start somewhere
A leaked report, commissioned by the Government’s Department for Culture, Media and Sport, has revealed that the lyrics of the world’s most popular songs are “nothing but a set of exaggerations, misrepresentations and downright lies”
The Government has set up a number of new focus groups to reach out to young people and find their aspirations and desires for 21st Century Britain. The first group disbanded when they were only able to interview young people after they had woken up at 2PM and found their main aspirations were to “get pissed and shag”.
A separate group set out to look at the media popular with youth culture. Their first area of study was pop music and they are reported to be shocked at the state of music lyrics. “We started with fairly extreme lyrics, expecting to find examples of disenchantment and futility. Instead, we found someone claiming to be “the real Slim Shady”. On further examination, it appears that this isn’t his real name. Even worse, he is made up from the recycled parts of previous white rappers including Vanilla Ice and Debbie Harry and isn’t real at all.”
The report then goes on to describe further researches. “We decided to look at more mainstream acts, which we felt certain would show greater honesty. We were cruelly deceived. Shania Twain’s hit “You’re still the one” declares her intention to run to her lover. On questioning her, it turns out that she never even broke into a light jog! Ricky Martin’s girlfriend, mentioned in “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, has never expressed a desire to go dancing in the rain and apparently most parties are infinitely superior to an S-Club party.”
Media watcher Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush commented “Pop music affects people when they are at their most impressionable. Now it turns out that most of these groups are nothing but rotten fibbers! I’m concerned that even I may have been misled. I’m going to have words with Elton John to see whether he has ever been in a rocket. And I’m very suspicious about the Beatles claim to have lived in a yellow submarine.”
However, Brit award losing popstar Craig David hit back at the claims but was unable to comment until Sunday when he was expecting to be ‘Chilling’.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 