Author’s note: Another from the News in Brief section of the Brains Trust. I loved writing NIBS- you could get your point across quickly and bugger off. This, I think, is a particularly fine example.
Railtrack CEO Steve Marshall today announced massive new investment by Railtrack in the pay packages of their senior executives. “This is an exciting and forward looking proposal that we believe will deliver real benefits to a tiny number of criminally under rewarded people” he enthused. “We have commissioned a review of FTSE 100 executive pay by a top research analyst – Bobo the Monkey from Billy Smart’s Circus – and then ignored his suggestion that we were hugely overpaid and that he could do a better job for a couple of bananas and a tin drum. Instead, we’ve gone for a radical plan that involves doubling our salaries on a six-monthly basis until we are sacked or killed in a train crash – the latter being very unlikely as we never travel on the train. I admit that this is a long-term plan and the results of it will take a couple of years to become evident. However, over that period, the public can expect to see several new swimming pools, a much larger number of offshore bank accounts and a selection of new or extensively refurbished wives on the arms of our executive team.” Asked about investment in track, Mr. Marshall replied “In what? Oh, right, yes. We have identified a new lower cost supplier of track – Hornby – who have assured us that they can provide a complete new infrastructure for around 300 quid. At those prices we might even be able to afford to chuck in a couple of new signals.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 