Author’s note: This was the second article I wrote for the Brains Trust. It was also immediately ignored by the editors for being “not very good”.
William Hague, the former leader of the Conservative party, was executed at 12:00GMT today for the “wanton and callous act of wholesale slaughter of 168 Tory party candidates”
William Hague, who was found guilty of the crime on 7th June, refused any final appeal to the voters, claiming “I haven’t appealed to anyone up to now, and I’m not going to change my strategy at the last minute”
Ironically, in Mr. Hague’s previous job as a management consultant at McKinsey’s, he had been responsible for the process re-engineering of the execution centre to provide a “more customer-facing, less death-centric facilitation unit”. The work meant that the execution could be enjoyed by all of Mr. Hague’s close friends, family and colleagues from the enhanced all-seater viewing area and espresso bar.
Mr. Hague spent his final night in the preparation centre and enjoyed a last meal of black pudding. He was led into the execution cell at 11:35 and was strapped down. At 12:00 precisely he was rendered unconscious with 14 pints of ale and his heart was stopped by removing his wallet and replacing all the 10 pound notes with Euros. He was then terminated via lethal injection of an albino ferret fired from a Howitzer, as pioneered in the BBC’s “Ultimate Killers” programme.
Opinions were sharply divided as to the use of the death penalty. “It’s a barbaric punishment that degrades society by making us the moral equivalent of murderers”, claimed Michael Portillo, in a break from measuring out the curtains for his new top-floor office in Conservative HQ, “However, in the case of William Hague, I’m prepared to make an exception. The last thing we want is him hanging about and embarrassing us like the other ex-leaders”.
However, the Prime Minister had made a last minute appeal for clemency to the Conservatives. “It’s not fair and it’s not right” he claimed “where would we be if we did this to all failed leaders?” Mr Blair was then seen to be nervously eyeing up Gordon Brown as Mr. Brown fingered a large carving knife that he had bought along to “demonstrate how we would achieve cuts in spending”.
George W Bush sent a letter of ‘condolency congratulations’ to the President of France, Snr Jacques Blair. It read, simply; “Nice one”.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 