Author’s note: It’s fair to say that most of the contributors to the Brains Trust were left or centre left, with the exception of me, who was centre right. The Government announced a plan to renationalise Railtrack and it seemed likely that they would then go ahead and renationalise the entire network. This was seen to be very good news by everyone at the Trust (and was very popular in general) – except me. It says something for the magnanimity of Tom, the editor in chief, that he made this the lead article despite not agreeing with it. He just felt it was an original take that ridiculed the current consensus. Surely the very definition of satire.
The Government today announced that it was instituting a plan to return the railways of Britain to ‘the good old days’ by re-nationalising them immediately.
As small children dressed in freshly laundered smocks and sailor suits waved tiny flags whilst being carefully watched over by their nannies, Stephen Byers, the Transport Secretary announced that Railtrack would be re-nationalised and re-launched as ‘that bastion of excellence in railways – British Rail’. Tearful commuters recalled the years of high investment in the rail network by Governments from the 1940’s to the 80’s; the superb punctuality, frequent addition of new stations, friendly staff and high quality catering. Mr Byers continued, “It’s obvious that free markets can’t work in a system like the railways. Capitalists are greedy exploiters whose only interest is profits. Anyone can see that the only way they can make profits is by killing passengers and completely disregarding safety. Just look at the appalling safety record of our airlines.”
Mr Byers went on to announce a string of initiatives to “bring Railtrack back to the level the public deserves”. The nostalgiaticket will be sold for a guinea and include a pint of whelks, a cloth cap and 20 Woodbines. Three travelling classes will be introduced and only steam engines will be used on the rail network. Finally, railway guards will be required to undergo an image-change programme and develop a portly physique, a permanent rosy-cheeked smile and have shiny brass buttons on their neatly pressed uniforms. All minority groups will now not be allowed to have ‘customer facing’ roles unless they can display an amusing caricature of their ethnicity. Mr Byers was particularly keen to see “wobbly headed Indian Porters or Singing Jamaican Guards like you get in the wartime films”
Vernon Hince, acting General Secretary of the RMT union, was overjoyed at the announcement. “This is a great day for labour relations in the UK” he declared “Public services should be owned by the public and run for the benefit of the public. I mean you only have to look at how successful labour relations have been in public sector organisations like the London Underground…er, no I mean the Post Office…well anyway take it from me, it’s much better.” He also went on to demand that there should be “full compensation for shareholders in Railtrack, or, at least the ones in my Union”
Conservative transport spokesman, Eric Pickles, declared that the Government had not gone far enough. Wiping a tear from his eye as he recalled the idyllic strike free days of the 1970’s he explained “The new compassionate Conservatives now have a real empathy with the people. We would put far more money into public services because we believe that’s the most effective way to run an organisation. The only solution is to set about re-nationalising all of the UK’s industry. Under a Conservative Government the public can look forward to a return to the National Coal Board, the Gas Board and British Leyland”
Mr Byers concluded by reiterating the Governments commitment to public services and public funding. “As long as the steady hand of Government is controlling matters the public has nothing to fear – just look at our record in running the Health Service, Millennium Dome and building a National Sports Stadium”
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