Authors note: Everyone was rather surprised when the Home Secretary actually bothered listening to its advisors about drugs and decriminalised cannabis use. At least for a short period of time. The Northern Irish Peace Process also ground on. What better idea than to combine the two bits of news?
It was revealed today that the Government had simultaneously pushed forward UK drugs law and the peace process in Northern Ireland by relaxing the rules on cannabis and then issuing large spliffs to all Northern Irish negotiators.
During a hastily assembled press conference at 2AM in John Reid’s flat where the lead negotiators had all returned having experienced the munchies, Gerry Adams explained the thinking behind the latest initiative. “I just had a long pull and suddenly the whole thing seemed like a real drag, you know? All those guns and bombs and declarations and all that stuff. I just turned to Marty and told him it was all just too much hassle.” Mr Reid signalled his agreement as he looked up proudly from a six inch spliff he had just rolled, “Look at that, man” he added “Awesome!”
David Ervine of the Progressive Unionist Party explained the Unionist position as he poured milk over his bowl of Cornflakes “It’s just like Gerry says. I, like, really love him, man, you know? I mean really.”
David Blunkett, who was speaking from the basement after being led there as a joke by Martin McGuinness pretending to be Mr. Blunkett’s guide-dog Lucy, went on to explain that the initiative could have wider reaching consequences. “Even as I speak, US Peaceplanes are dropping red-cross parcels of cannabis all over Afghanistan. We will be encouraging Taliban fighters to light up for peace. Christ, man! Your flat really smells”. After it was explained to Mr Blunkett that the drops weren’t really necessary, as Afghanistan was already one of the major suppliers of cannabis to the world, he commented “Bummer!”
The move was immediately condemned by Ian Paisley, however. “I will not be party to this Godless idolatry of drug culture.” he bawled, clutching a bottle as he stormed into Mr Reid’s flat and threw open all the windows. “Never will a drug pass my lips or enter my body. The heady scent of marijuana has been the cause of thousands of addicts and hundreds of broken homes. For true Unionists, the calming influence of Scotch Whisky shall be our only solace” He then took another draft from the bottle and asked Mr. Adams, “What the fuck are you looking at? You want a slap, then, you Papist fucker?”
Experts have expressed some alarm over the combination of the two initiatives. Derek Gadd of anti-drugs group, Nanny State explained “All the evidence shows that even moderate use of cannabis can have dramatic effects; psychosis, clinging to irrational beliefs and continually harking back to the past. Actually, thinking about it, you might not notice the difference.” He also pointed out that the drug can cause severe memory loss, “I mean they might not be able to remember where any of the arms dumps are…hang on a second…pass round those reefers immediately”
The Brains Trust attempted to contact the Prime Minister in Downing Street for his comment but was told that he had “just popped out for some Rizlas”.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 