Author’s note: It was Christmas and what better way to celebrate than with a fat pervert?
Interpol announced today that they had issued a worldwide warrant for the arrest of a man who controls a vast Global conspiracy designed to bring misery and suffering to millions of families. “This man has successfully eluded capture for several decades.” Interpol’s Secretary General Ronald K. Noble explained “Even today, the only thing we really know about him is his code-name: Father Christmas”
George J Tenet, Director of Central Intelligence explained why the public warning had been issued “We ignored the warnings about Bin Laden and we won’t make the same mistake again. All the evidence points to a fanatic who is probably aligned to Muslim fundamentalists. He has targeted only Christian countries or those with a Western influence. He takes all that we in the West hold dear – greed, avarice and our neighbour’s ass – and exploits it for his own ends. Our sources indicate that he may be planning his next big hit on or around the 25th of December. Everyone should be on their guard”
A secret report that has come into the possession of the Brains Trust indicates that ‘Father Christmas’ is thought to have multiple names and personalities that he uses around the world. The names include Santa Claus, St Nicholas and, less frequently, Kevin. The report continues, “We believe he operates from a Central HQ in a remote location – possibly mountainous or arctic terrain – with fanatical followers, known as ‘elves’, building devices of terror for distribution around the world.”
The devices are delivered by sophisticated air transport undetectable by radar. It can move at tremendous speeds to deliver its payload of hundreds of ‘packages’ a minute to unsuspecting innocents. The aircraft, known by the codename Rudolph, uses a sophisticated guidance system nicknamed the “Red Nose”, owing to its development by the Soviets in the cold war and its position in the aircraft’s cockpit.
Over the years, Father Christmas has developed a massive network of agents throughout the world. These people are indistinguishable from the main population, dressing in local clothing and working in everyday jobs. However, at a key time of year, on receipt of the code word “Christmas” in special “Christmas cards” these sleepers become active. They adopt the uniform of the fanatic and set themselves up in stores and grottos all over the world distributing the evil produce of their perverted minds.
Although his followers frequently associate themselves with charities, Father Christmas actually funds his activities in a similar way to other terrorist organisations – with cash from the drugs and sex industry. His principal drug, known as ‘Pixie Dust’, brings on a feeling of well being and creates a hallucinogenic belief in magic. Even worse, it appears to be targeted at children with literature known as ‘Fairy Stories’ explaining its use and effects. Father Christmas himself is believed to indulge his own perversions as a fat, bearded geriatric with a penchant for stockings. One former follower has shown us how he was taught to sit children on his knee and give them toys and sweeties as long as they promise him they’ll “be good”. From his prison cell, Jonathan King has admitted that he used the “red suit of shame” to attract youngsters to his evil den of iniquity.
Tracked down by Brains Trust on a satellite phone, Father Christmas was unrepentant and laughed as he issued the pass code that signals the beginning of dread and mayhem throughout the world “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, everybody!”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 