Author’s note: As we have seen under the leadership of Ed Milliband and Jeremy Corbyn, an ineffective opposition is a disaster for democracy which ultimately leads to Governments doing fantastically bad things. So, even though New Labour were generally doing sensible things (apart from Tony Blair’s support for the Euro), there was very little scrutiny and I worried that bad things would happen. And then we invaded Iraq.
This was a musing upon a disastrous Tory opposition which started off very silly and ended up very dark indeed. It was, I think it was, in hindsight, rather prescient.
The Government announced the conclusion of it’s long awaited report on House of Lord’s reform today, revealing that it has gone much further than originally expected and was “chucking bog standard democracy in the bin and re-inventing it for the modern day”
“All that old Greek stuff is out of date and irrelevant to our focus groups of twentysomething media personalities” claimed Alastair Campbell, the Prime Minister’s official spokesman. “New Labour, New Democracy is our motto. We shall be adopting the third way to representation – neither autocratic, nor democratic. A totally new approach that we call Blairocratic, taken from the Latin word Blairus meaning “shared responsibility”.
When accused of “just making that word up” by a journalist, Mr Campbell insisted that any similarity between the new democratic form and the Prime Minister’s name was merely a happy coincidence. As the journalist was helped from the room by two 6’6″ male nurses after he had “banged his head”, Mr. Campbell continued, “Blairocracy will be a more flexible doctrine, able to adapt to the changing needs of the electorate and the Government as they emerge. Under the new system the House of Commons will have overall primacy for the legislature, unless, of course they choose to do something that is not in the interests of the Government…I mean British People. In such circumstances, we will invoke the new upper chamber, which will be known as Lords-U-Like. This will be populated by a fully independent set of carefully vetted Government cronies who will be issued with a large rubber stamp saying ‘Passed'”.
Mr. Campbell then went on to outline how new laws will be implemented. “Ideas we want to carry out that do not have popular support, such as the Euro, will be subject to a Referendum. Referendums will only be held where the questions are ambiguous enough to allow the Government to select the ‘right’ answer, regardless of the result
On the other hand, ideas that have popular support but we don’t agree with, such as the banning of fox hunting, will be passed through committees until they run out of Parliamentary time. Blairocracy, will even touch freedom of information, via our new Ministry of Information, and citizenship. Immigrants will be required to take a citizenship test and learn everyday phrases such as ‘Vote Labour’ and ‘Tony Blair for President’. Citizens will notice a smooth but rapid transition to the new regime. We’re thinking of calling it our Blair Hall Putsch”
Mr. Campbell assured citizens that they had everything to gain from the new initiatives. As the press conference finished and Ministry of Information workers helped the journalists by checking their notes, he explained, “With the current world crisis, it is important that we achieve strength through joy.” As his eyes flashed and the strains of Nimrod started to play in the background, Mr Campbell concluded “Blairocracy is more than a doctrine, it is a way of life. We must all conform to it. And those that cannot will be helped to reform through re-education camps.” Outside the windows, the first train to the re-education camps pulled away.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 