Government announces “War on sleaze”

Author’s note: Massive majority? Popular support for the Government? Where do you end up? That’s right, with famous industrial washing machine salesman, Keith Vaz

The Government today announced that it had heard “loud and clear” the message from the public that they were fed up with sleaze and said that they would put in place measures “to ensure the public never heard of it again”.

The Government was responding to criticism of the lack of support afforded to Elizabeth Filkin in her role as Parliamentary Standards Commissioner. In response, the Government plans to entirely revamp the “whole standards thing and make them suit the difficulties and temptations of public life better”. Mr David Blunkett, the Home Secretary, then went on to announce that the Government would be appointing a Minister for Governance, already dubbed the Anti-Sleaze Tsar, to ensure that Government officers would “appear purer than pure”. The new Minister, Mr. Keith Vaz, assured the public that he would be ever vigilant for the slightest opportunity for corruption, nepotism or ‘under the counter payments’. “I can tell you that if anyone tries any dirty tricks, I’ll be straight onto them” he enthused. Mr Vaz then went on to explain that the Government would be making sure that the media had “rigorously controlled” access to news about sleaze and that he would personally be monitoring the information to ensure in was released “in the most appropriate way at the most appropriate time”.

In a completely independent move, that had “nothing whatsoever to do with the Government. No way.” The Speaker of the House of Commons, Mr. Michael Martin, then announced that, in addition to retaining his entirely independent role as the Speaker, he had decided to fulfil the role of Standards Commissioner. “Although my background is as a Labour MP, I can assure the house that I will remain as independent and impartial as I have as the Speaker.”, announced Mr. Martin, flanked by the Prime Minister and the entire Cabinet, who were there to show the Labour Parties commitment to his independence. “I will show no fear or favour towards any party” he continued. He then went on to declare the immediate investigation and suspension of Iain Duncan Smith for “blowing his nose too loudly in the chamber” and Charles Kennedy for “reasons which I will think up later”. Warming to his theme he then went on to suspend the entire Tory party for being “hopeless losers” and all the Liberal Democrats for “probably the same reason”

Iain Duncan Smith, taking time out from the book signing tour for his new motivational guide “You too can become a demi-God – the IDS way”, expressed his extreme concern with the moves. “I can assure you that the Conservative’s favoured candidate for the independent commissioner, Neil Hamilton, would have been a far better choice and not shown the partisan behaviour of Mr. Martin. Neil has many years up front experience of dealing with sleaze allegations first-hand and he was very willing to personally help out MP’s who were accused of sleaze for very reasonable rates.” Mr Duncan Smith was then helped into a large black Mercedes by two of Mr Martin’s assistants who “wished to ask him some questions.”

Elizabeth Filkin, the former Parliamentary Standards Commissioner, declined to elaborate on her earlier press statement that she was looking forward to starting a career with more dignity explaining that she was in a hurry as she was “the next act on at Peter Stringfellow’s lap dancing bar”