Author’s note: Third time lucky! I abandoned previous efforts to satrise how boring IDS was by pointing out how boring he was, and simply went for the tried and tested switcheroo. It worked and was the lead article that week.
After his fifth headline grabbing speech and continual appearances on television and radio, Iain Duncan Smith deflected criticism of his massive media presence by Tony Blair as “sour grapes”.
“Mr. Blair should get out and make his own way in the world” retorted Mr Duncan Smith after a leaked memo from Downing Street entitled “IDS must die!” appeared in the papers this morning. The memo pointed out the near saturation of all forms of media by Mr Duncan Smith and his charismatic front bench team. Mr Blair is reported to have shut himself away in a small cupboard in Downing Street and is refusing to come out until “somebody makes Duncan Smith go away”. In addition to his disappearance from the media, Mr Blair is scarred from the devastating debating skills displayed by Mr Duncan Smith during their parliamentary skirmishes. “He keeps getting creamed by IDS at every meeting” said an exasperated ministerial aide. “And as for his shadow front bench team, there isn’t anyone who wants to go out and face them. It’s like facing 15 Russell Crowes in Gladiator”
Outside of the UK, Mr Duncan Smith is facing increasing demands on his time to attend peace-keeping rallies, photo calls and joint press conferences with world-leaders from all parts of the geo-political spectrum. George Bush has been relying almost solely on the support of Mr. Duncan Smith, reportedly asking Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell why they can’t summon the same levels of military, business and political insights to deal with the current world situation. Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat are refusing to attend any meetings unless facilitated by Mr Duncan Smith and Kofi Annan has reportedly asked to step down as UN Secretary General in favour of IDS.
Within the media, it now seems certain that Mr. Duncan Smith will be Time Magazine’s man of the year and his appearance as the saviour of the Philosopher’s Stone in a surprise twist at the end of the Harry Potter film will further improve his ratings.
Mr. Duncan Smith issued a modest but forthright statement about his domination of the world’s media and likely accession to leader of the free world, “The world needs practical solutions to today’s problems, and today’s Conservatives can offer those solutions.” This has led to an immediate quadrupling of Tory Party membership. He continued “Although, I have been approached by the Nobel Committee to accept all of their available prizes for next year and despite my impending beatification by the Vatican, I intend to continue in my current role as most recognised world leader for the foreseeable future”
Downing Street declined to comment but the White House issued a statement which said, simply, “What a guy!”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 