Author’s note: I have long been a supporter of free trade and free movement, an increasingly isolated viewpoint. I’ve also been very suspicious of the aid industry and whether it actually has long term benefits for countries, and especially their unfortunate populations. So this was a musing about that. Interesting to note that this was written a long time before Zac Goldsmith moved from super-rich, tax dodging, foreign holiday loving, Green hypocrite to Tory MP. He was my MP for a number of years, and, I reluctantly admit, did a very good job.
Nations from around the world gathered together today at a secret location to discuss their recent successes and future strategies for a Global free trade agreement on the export of misery, terrorism and death.
In his opening address at the launching of the conference, Kim Jong-il of North Korea, declared that “the globe faces an historic challenge. Never before has there been such a requirement to deliver an equality of misery to all nations”
In his address on behalf of Angola, Jose Eduardo dos Santos, explained; “It is vital for us to be able to keep our people in despair and deprivation. It is only with our populous stamped into the ground that we are able to control them and keep power. Me and my fellow leaders in Zimbabwe, Sudan, Libya and many other dictatorships around the world are in this fortunate situation and it is only right that we should promote the export of the skills of subjugation to other nations”
Tariq Aziz of Iraq agreed; “It is now time to repay both the West and Soviet Bloc for their kindness in supporting us over the years as dictators and despots. They allowed us to spend our meagre resources on weapons and build up massive debts. Even today, they give us enough aid to buy more of their arms. What little is left enables us to keep our starving population dependent on us, without any independent means of looking after themselves. Our global export of terrorism will help me and my brothers to spread this happy state of affairs across the face of the Earth.”
From outside the conference, Zac Goldsmith, Editor of the Ecologist celebrated this victory for common sense. “It is clear that allowing people to trade freely with other countries will bring only disaster to the world. Terrorism is an attack on the evils of big business, western values and capitalism and that attack can only be for the good of humanity. But we in the West must do our bit, too. We must constantly move the goal-posts for global trade and impose new regulations – on the environment, child labour, workers rights or anything else we choose – on any other people, no matter how wretched. This will prevent them from moving to an evil environment ruining, capitalist state. And I should know, as it’s what my Daddy used to tell me after he’d made his millions from global trade”
Pierre Bouchet of the Global Anarchist-Green Alliance agreed: “Democracy clearly hasn’t worked in the West as it’s allowed McDonalds to prosper. This evil giant is funded by millions and millions of misguided individuals who walk through their doors everyday and hand over their money for a hamburger. This is obviously against the wishes of the masses and those wishes should be imposed on everyone by regulation and restriction of freedom”
Farmers leaders and textile magnates from Europe and the US also welcomed the conference. “Poor Western farmers and textile companies cannot hope to compete with the ruthless efficiency of African agriculture or the Asian clothing industry. We must be protected from these millions of so called poor who are poised ready to grab for themselves what we have in the West – education, health and liberal democracy – by working hard for lower wages than we are prepared to pay ourselves. These greedy charlatans must be stopped at all costs”
At the end of a hard session of negotiation it was announced that the first plank in the agreement had been reached, with the West and Afghanistan reaching a long term agreement on trade in terrorism and bombing, allowing the citizens of both countries to lead more fearful, unhealthier and less productive lives.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 