Author’s note: This was another title suggested by Meg and then written up by me. I was very uncertain about the whole thing, but Tom was adamant that I should write it. Anyway, I’m still not too sure, but it was very popular for some reason
Bewildered leaders of France, Switzerland, and Denmark all have released statements taking exception to George Bush’s declaration that their nations constitute an “axis of cheese” and should undergo an immediate embargo. Mr Bush called upon the United Nations to immediately form a group of “International Cheese Inspectors” and respond to the cheese-threat by deploying a dairy-produce intervention force.
Analysts were wrong footed by Mr Bush’s announcement and were immediately scurrying to find other nations who might be at risk from the embargo. “We were expecting an ‘Evil Empire’ or maybe even a ‘Rogue States’ type list. But cheese – I mean what can you say – we never expected that” said Christiane Amanpour, CNN’s chief international correspondent.
Other countries reacted with a mixture of relief and disappointment at their non-inclusion on the list. Gerhard Schroeder, the Chancellor of Germany, exclaimed “Doesn’t he know that Germany produces some of the World’s finest cheeses? Has he never heard of Weichkaese, Edelpilz or Doppelrhamstufe? This list of cheese-makers is completely arbitrary and excludes Germany and many of its allies in the cheese-production industry – Austria, Hungary and the Czech Republic.” However, Italy declared that as Mozzarella and Parmesan had such widespread use, they could no longer be considered Italian cheeses and Italy should not be considered a cheese-making nation at all. “Pasta’s more our thing, nowadays.” mused Silvio Berlusconi “That and endemic Government corruption”.
The UK however immediately agreed to co-operate with the US and confirmed that it was closing down it’s main cheese making facilities in Cheddar Gorge. Furthermore, it had started extradition hearings for Little Miss Muffit who had been found in possesion of ‘curds and whey’ believed to be the main ingredients of cheese and other ‘cheese making equipment’.
Some countries greeted the list with suspicion, however. North Korea claimed that the creation of an Axis of Cheese was simply a “stupid attempt to undermine real terrorist regimes by making them appear irrelevant.” Kim Jong-il addressed a mass gathering in Pyongyang by declaring “This axis of cheese is designed to make it look like the US is ignoring us and judges us as weak and feeble. Mr Bush should fear us very much. Doesn’t he know we have over a dozen inter-continental nuclear missiles at a base just South of Taebong? Oh. Erm. Hang on. I think that’s supposed to be a secret”
From the Pentagon, George J Tenet confirmed that the US would be publicly pursuing the members of the Axis of Cheese and would provide regular press briefings and escorted trips to the cheese facilities. “We want you guys in the press to keep a close eye on these Cheesemongers. It’s your national duty to make sure that they know that the clear searchlight of democracy shines upon them. That will allow us in the CIA to concentrate on less important things – like interrogating Taliban prisoners”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 