Author’s note: I loved this article and it is particularly apt at the moment.
Several hundred self-appointed experts in microbiology, bacteriology and virology today raised concerns over the affect the MMR vaccine could have on children’s development. The group, made up entirely of middle-class parents who had “read an article in the Daily Mail” or “heard something at the Health Club and Organic Brasserie down the road”, issued a robust statement criticising the Government’s health policy which was immediately endorsed by the Conservative Party.
The group are lead by Dr Armistice De’Jeune whose research into MMR was prompted by the experience of his own son proving to be “a bit of a thicko at school”. Dr De’Jeune explained that prior to having the MMR vaccine at 3 years old, his son, Torquil, had been “bright and alert and clearly much more gifted than other children, especially those of my brother St. John and his lovely-bloody wife Tara with their detached house in Richmond and double income from their investment banking jobs”. After the vaccine, Dr DeJeune’s son started to attend school where he displayed an unhealthy interest in flatulence and routinely came bottom of the class. “This is clearly the fault of the MMR vaccine. Before it poisoned his mind he loved nothing better than to sit down with a copy of Dostoyevsky and listen to the Ring Cycle. We could often hear him banging along to the tune on his locked bedroom door while we entertained our luncheon guests downstairs”
Dr. DeJeune declared that the Government had deliberately ignored him after he had presented several hundred cases of children who had shown a reaction to the vaccine. “These children and their parents have suffered terrible hardships. Some kids have developed a nasty rash, others a bit of a cough, many of them have subsequently displayed no talent at football and been utterly useless at art or modern languages. Worse still, the majority have failed to get into a decent public school”
Speaking on behalf of the Conservatives, shadow Health Secretary, Liam Fox, said he fully supported Dr DeJeune and denied charges of political opportunism. “This is a serious matter and we are highlighting genuine concerns from potential Tory voters. We would never stoop to the gimmicks and spin-doctoring of Labour”, he claimed clutching a large scythe and wearing a deaths-head mask and hooded cowl bearing the inscription “Abandon all hope!”. Dr Fox also denied that this was a blatant attempt to win back the votes of young families with small children. “It’s rubbish to say we’re out of touch with younger voters. Didn’t you know I used to go out with Natalie Imbruglia? You can’t get much hipper than that”
Tony Blair responded angrily to the Conservative’s criticism, claiming it was an irresponsible attitude that put lives at risk. He finished by explaining that he was completely committed to the other members of his cabinet subjecting their children to the MMR vaccination programme. “After all, I want to see what happens to their kids, first”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 