Author’s note: OK – this was written in 2003. Bear that in mind. It almost certainly would be written like this today. That said, there was genuine consternation that a black senior army officer had agreed to serve in George Bush’s government. However, the point of the article was to try and satirise the prevailing view of blacks in the US by the white political class. Then Obabma won!
White House officials reacted with anger today at the decision of Colin Powell to “come out of the closet” during a recent MTV interview and declare that he was ready to “say I’m just as black as the next man. Assuming that person is a black man, obviously”. A clearly aghast Donald Rumsfeld declared “As far as I am concerned he can get right back in the closet and start behaving like a white guy again”
Rumours regarding Mr. Powell’s ethnicity had been circulating Washington for several years now, with several satirical programmes and scandal sheets making veiled references to a “black day” or “dark times ahead” for him. However, Mr. Powell had refused to discuss all matters relating to his pigmentation, deflecting criticism by pointing to his liking for Abba and fondness for cardigans. It is clear, however, that those working closely with Mr. Powell never suspected that he may be really be a black man. A spokesman for the White House maintained that although Mr. Powell “displayed some pretty weird pinko-liberal views, like supporting the use of condoms, we never assumed he’d go this far”.
John Ashcroft, US Attorney General, and long known for his trenchant views on race was amazed at Mr. Powell’s decision to confirm his colour. “He never gave us the slightest cause to doubt. He displayed no interest in rap, he never referred to his wife as a ‘Ho’ and he even looked like a white guy. We expect our black politicians to behave like Al Sharpton or Marion Barry. What the Hell is the point in having stereotypes if people don’t live up to them? I mean what else are we going to find in the Cabinet? Gays? Democrats? Women? It just doesn’t bear thinking about. Hey Condeleeza, honey, can I get a Cappuccino lite, please?”
Black politicians also expressed surprise at Mr. Powell’s declaration. Jesse Jackson was so surprised that he immediately took a vow of silence only breaking it after several minutes of intense personal struggle because “he’d thought of something to say”. “Where was Colin Powell when we needed a role model for our young people? What kind of example is a man who would rather become Joint Chief of Staff and the fourth most powerful man in the country when he could have been grandstanding and speechmaking on the Million Man March”
There is now a real fear within the White House that Mr. Powell could become an activist promoting equal rights. “This could cause real problems for our relationship with business” claimed Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill “I mean have you ever seen the executive board of a major corporation? Most of these people have never met a black guy and that’s exactly how they want to keep it. God knows what this will do to corporate contributions to the Republican Party.”
A solemn George Bush made a brief statement saying that “Despite his ethnic proclivities, Mr. Powell still has my full support. However, I would just remind him that it’s called the ‘White’ House for a reason”.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 