Author’s note: I’m guessing this was around the time of the “enhanced interrogation” techniques becoming known.
After continued criticism from around the world and adverse reactions from the United Nations and Red Cross, the USA has agreed to abide by international conventions on human rights, but only after they can “get to rewrite them first”
“Obviously it will still be called the Geneva Convention” explained George Bush “as we will be launching it from Geneva in Nebraska”. He also confirmed that he had already set up a task force to evaluate the original convention with a view to updating it for modern day conflicts, specifically those that involve America. “We had previously been a strong supporter of human rights, but that was when they involved other countries, particularly ones that we didn’t like such as Myanmar or North Korea. Now, hot dang, we’ve found ourselves the target of terrorists and involved in a war and those same rights really get in the way of interrogating your prisoners.”
The President was responding to criticism that the treatment of suspects at Camp X-Ray was inhumane and degrading. Refuting the charges, Captain R A Buehn, the Commander of the camp, explained that the “removal of testicles is only carried out on our male prisoners and simply as a precaution to remove the source of testosterone that can cause aggression. We also make sure that all of our troops have read a copy of ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ so they can get in touch with their feminine side. Especially the girls.”
The US is now planning to address what it sees as the problems of the Geneva Convention in the same way as it has addressed the problems with the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and the Kyoto Protocol. “We shall be issuing a measured response that summarises our concerns with the document” explained Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, as he stepped from a toilet cubicle clutching a copy of the convention with several pages ripped out.
Mr Rumsfeld then went onto explain that the US believed that Afghanistani prisoners were not entitled to normal human rights as “they weren’t normal humans. I mean just look at the scary eyes on those people. They have superhuman strength and can single handedly detonate a nuclear device by just using thought power. Haven’t any of you guys seen ‘Scanners’?” Mr Rumsfeld was just starting to explain his theories on the “Taliban aliens he’d seen in ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers'” when he was accompanied from the room by his military escort as his spokesman explained that he was going for a “nice quiet sit down”.
For the Red Cross, Darcy Christen explained their concerns with the current treatment of the prisoners. “People have the right to humane treatment even if they are psychopathic madmen who would kill their own Mothers for two pins.” he commented. “We in Switzerland have a long history of welcoming any refugees into our country, no matter how evil, as long they have huge amounts of cash. And aren’t Jewish, obviously”
EU suggestions that the Afghanistan fighters be placed under the jurisdiction of the Court of Human Rights and the relevant evidence of any war crimes submitted to the court were rejected out of hand by America. “There’s no way we are handing over our prisoners to some tin-pot kangaroo court with no moral authority” commented George Bush. “We shall be transporting them to Texas forthwith so they can experience real justice”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 