Author’s note: I wondered if I’d kept a copy of this. We used to get a lot of submissions from readers and they usually weren’t very good. However, this one had a single paragraph that survived after I rewrote (or “polished”) it – the one about Lewis Collins. I liked it, but Tom didn’t and it never made the cut.
Following on from its announcement of the deployment of a further of 1700 Royal Marine commandos in Afghanistan, the Government confirmed today that it had issued call-up papers to a number of leading thespians who would spearhead a tactical actorly assault on the region. Amongst celebrities recalled to military service so far are Lewis Collins, Sean Bean, Robson Greene and Jerome Flynn.
Collins, veteran hard man of cult 70’s TV series ‘the Professionals’, portrayed an SAS captain in the 1980 film ‘Who Dares Wins’. The realism of his performance won plaudits from within the military and it is thought that this was a contributing factor to his call up yesterday. Collins, who was recently performing in pantomime at Brighton, was unavailable for comment, although his agent announced that Mr Collins was ‘growing a new pair of sideburns’ in anticipation. On the washing line at the rear of Collins’ home could be seen a freshly washed black balaclava and shoulder holster, alongside his trademark black polo neck jumper. Shouts of `Go! Go! Go!’ could be heard from inside.
Sheffield hard man Sean Bean portrayed SAS soldier Andy McNab in the film of McNab’s bestseller ‘Bravo Two Zero’. He also won awards for his performance as Napoleonic soldier, Richard Sharpe, in the highly regarded TV series of the well-known books. Military plans have been made for Bean, a self styled ‘bit of rough’, to seduce Taliban leaders’ wives in efforts to obtain vital intelligence, before nobly leading a squad of faceless extras previously seen in ‘A History of Britain’ to be brutally slaughtered in battle on Afghanistan’s plains.
Robson Greene and Jerome Flynn, of ‘Soldier Soldier’ fame, have also been called up, with the boot faced Jerome being made Sergeant to Greene’s Captain. This is expected generate a suitable dramatic tension between them, particularly when they both clash over the love of a beautiful aid worker, to be played by Amanda Holden. The group are hoping to be deployed in the forthcoming `Operation Bittersweet’, where their ability to mix light drama, music and adultery, with a touch of pathos, is hoped to be a major asset.
However, it is believed that plans for retaliation by the Taliban are already underway. A number of “celebrity sleepers” have been placed in Western countries and are currently being activated. The first outrage took place outside a Mosque in Birmingham last night, when Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, was seen to walk into a popular local bar, pull out an acoustic guitar from under his coat and launch into a version of ‘Morning has Broken’. Terrified victims fled only to be confronted by a group of Mullahs outside the bar singing an acapella version of the song “Feelings”.
Tony Blair denied reports that the actors call up was simply a gimmick designed to raise an upswelling of patriotism to distract the country from domestic issues. Appearing on the floor of the House of Commons dressed in a suit of armour and wearing a crown he explained, “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of Edinburgh. Oh bugger, can you prompt me Alastair, darling?”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 