Author’s note: Zimbabwe was still a member of the Commonwealth, despite the most egregious human rights violations, whilst at the same time the world started to prepare for the invasion of another country
Stung by criticism from around the world of their weak response to the crisis in Zimbabwe, Commonwealth countries have issued a tough new set of sanctions against the regime that “will let Mugabe know exactly how we feel about him”
Speaking on behalf of the Commonwealth, John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, announced that the new sanctions would be tough on the power-brokers of Zimbabwe but easy on the people. “Banning Mugabe from the fish course at the next Commonwealth Conference dinner will be real hard for him. You should have seen him tucking into that Sea Bass, tonight.” he commented. “And reducing the Zimbabwean Government officials cash withdrawal limit from $5,000,000 to $2,000,000 from any Swiss ATM will really cause problems. We’re already hearing stories of horrendous queues backing up in Zurich” Mr Howard then went on to read out the full set of sanctions which appeared to be written on the back of a menu from “Chi-Li’s ‘Hot’ Lap Dancing Bar and Grill”. “Other sanctions will include banning Harare United from the UK Football Premiership League, restricting the sale of hair-care products to the country and – what does that say Thabo? I can’t read your writing, mate – Oh yes – aid money can only be spent on armaments manufactured by a fellow Commonwealth country. Now try and tell me those aren’t going to sting”
An outraged President Mugabe denounced the sanctions as racist and claimed that he would never accept them. “I was really looking forward to the potted shrimp” he spluttered “And clearly this a ploy to help Manchester United avoid the mighty footballers of Harare”. On being asked why the Zimbabwean representative at the Commonwealth had voted for the sanctions himself and had been seen “laughing and dancing with glee” shortly after the result, he explained that “the dance was a tribal curse and I’ll get back to you about the laughing bit later, after I’ve had some more time to think about it”.
The EU has been generally been supportive of the sanctions and is also considering launching its own set of ‘smart sanctions’ against Iraq. President Jacques Chirac announced that France would be unilaterally implementing a set of sanctions, which would include “restricting Iraq to the import of only 75 varieties of cheese and only allowing them to sell wine from second growth Bordeaux vineyards. In addition, he was happy to announce a new humanitarian trading regime which would involve France supplying Iraq with 15 brand spanking new nuclear power stations so it would be able to cope with the forthcoming oil shortage that French economists have predicted to arrive “sometime in the next couple of months.”
The US however has declined to join in with the new sets of sanctions. “Our approach is to go the other way” explained President George Bush. “Instead of denying these countries access to American good and services we shall be exporting them to the heart of these regimes. We’re just getting ready our first consignment of thermonuclear weapons for dropping on Baghdad anytime now”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 