Author’s note: Ken Livingstone. The gift that kept on giving, although in this case I don’t think the article was published as Tom felt the subject was becoming dull.
Sightings around the world of apparitions resembling Ken Livingstone have led his followers to predict that he will shortly “rise again” and move amongst the population in a mysterious way “to save the world”. Mr Livingstone, who has not been seen in his recognised form of a politician since his election to Mayor in 2000, had been widely reported to have “died and gone to Hell” and it was believed impossible that he could come back to life.
The first recent sightings were recorded in an Orthodox Church on the outskirts of Minsk, Belarus. A statue within the church was transmogrified to a figure resembling Mr. Livingstone and was seen to step down from its pedestal proclaiming, “Verily, shall I turn thy water into wine and I shall quaff unstintingly for as long as the public doth pay me to.” Within Palestine, at an ancient Christian Monastery, worshippers have flocked to a strange painting on the walls similar to Mr. Livingstone that has been reported to declare: “The public-private partnership is the work of Satan who is known as Blair. Thou shalt forsake it.”
Mr Livingstone was originally hailed as a great prophet and Messiah for the City of London. He acquired several high-profile followers, such as Chris Evans, who agreed to hand over their riches to the cause of Livingstaniaty. However, after his adoring public proclaimed him their saviour, the council of Labour Party cast him out as an unbeliever and it was decreed that Mr. Livingstone would be consigned to spend his time in the wilderness. He wandered around the barren halls of Romney House where he became tempted by the forces of Capitalism. Appearances throughout London of a “Livingstone-like figure” clutching bottles of Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1990 and proclaiming he was a star “just like a Hollywood one” were seen as confirmation that he had succumbed to temptation and become yet another born-again capitalist.
However, the recent apparitions are being hailed by the Cult of the Groovy Messiah, formerly known as the Socialist Workers Party of Islington, as proof-positive that Mr. Livingstone is not “as dead as a nail”. Bob Crowe, previously the General Secretary of the RMT Union but now known as ‘Holy Bob – The People’s Pope’, claimed “We have seen the true Ken and he is awaiting the time that he shall be born again. He has moved unto the Unions and given us the ability to speak in ancient tongues not heard since the 1970’s.” At this point Mr Crowe fell to his knees and proclaimed “Verily, he is flitting between this world and the next like a very holy moth. The claims by the unbelievers of Ken roaming the streets courting City bankers and spending his time in posh restaurants, sleeping with top Lib Dem totty are the work of Satan – or at least the right wing media. It is obvious that he has been tested mightily but will now return to us to imbue the Capital with the spirit of socialism”
An encounter between a phantasm resembling Mr. Livingstone and a Brains Trust reporter at the Vatican confirmed that Mr. Livingstone does intend to return from the dead back to public life. “I shall deliver unto the people a tube system that shall get them from one end of the city to the other without major delays, huge ticket prices or conking out on a regular basis. After all, they’ll crucify me if I don’t”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 