Government launches “alternative hunting proposals”

Author’s note: I am no more likely to go hunting than I am to go naked salsa dancing in Iran. I hate hunting. But I also know people who don’t and I am aware that foxes are cruel hunters that can horribly kill and injure a wide variety of wildlife. It is legal to destroy them and hunting seems as effective a method as any other, possibly less cruel or dangerous than shooting, poison, snares etc. So despite my personal dislike, I could see no logical or moral reason to ban it. The people who wanted to ban it seemed to object to the ceremony and the type of people who liked hunting. In many ways, it was the start of the Brexit dilemma, where the people outside London rebelled against being told what to do by those in London. Also, it was a great opportunity for me to slag off the hypocrisy of cat owners

Following bitter divisions between MP’s and complaints from the House of Lords and countryside groups, the Government has drafted a set of proposals that it hopes will enable it to offer a “third way” between blood sports and their abolition. Denying charges of political cowardice, the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, explained that whilst he personally “disliked hunting, the countryside and all that awful mud”, he felt that “simple country folk” should be offered a way to release their “obvious homicidal instincts probably caused by lack of access to a decent theatre, restaurant or wine bar”.

Mr Blair claimed that the proposals had been drawn up with the full consultation of people who understood the countryside, including “my gardener, the owner of the local plant nursery and, of course, Peter Mandelson, who loves nothing more than a good yomp through the countryside in his Range Rover”. The first alternative to hunting with dogs is to offer hunting with cats. “Cats are nature’s cruellest hunters and are likely to provide hours of entertainment for spectators as they play mercilessly with their prey before killing it. Furthermore, as most suburban anti-hunt protestors own a cat and don’t have a problem with them massacring millions of wild birds and mammals a year, they can’t very well bleat about them being used for hunting, can they?” When questioned about whether a cat would be able to subdue a fox, Mr. Blair admitted that the plan assumed “slightly larger cats than one normally finds in a domestic environment” but claimed that Longleat and Regents Park would be able to supply some suitable animals for early trials.

It was also announced that a new field sport would be introduced based on “marine mechanisms for pest control”. “We shall be employing a number of Norwegian Seal Clubbers to teach our local hunts how to despatch vermin with the use of a traditional ‘Knockenheadin’. Norwegian champion head-basher Sven Svensson explained “Beating foxes to death with clubs will provide an ideal replacement for the barbaric practice of using dogs – it’s effective, it’s humane and, let’s face it, it’s great fun. What could present a better picture of the rural idyll than a gaggle of rosy-cheeked children cheerfully beating a terrified animal to death. Just look at how it’s helped the Norwegian tourist industry”

Mr Blair did, however, deny that the Government was considering allowing dog hunting using foxes. “Frankly, the initial trials weren’t very successful,” he admitted. “It was unfortunate that the Queen Mother was visiting that day, but still, I’m sure she won’t miss a couple of those Corgis”

On being asked why people couldn’t just carry on destroying foxes as vermin in the countryside the way they always had done, Mr. Blair responded angrily “That’s not the point. Chasing a fox mercilessly across terrain and killing it with a pack of dogs is clearly much crueller than chasing it mercilessly across terrain and shooting it and I can’t abide cruelty. Just ask Stephen Byers”