Author’s note.: This was another one of my articles promoting free-trade and globalisation – an unpopular cause then and even more so now, despite it’s ability to lift the vast majority of humanity out of poverty. But still, don’t let a few facts get in the way of ideology. Tom declared it boring and unfunny, but I rather liked the idea of a group of finance directors abseiling down Nelson’s Column unfurling a banner reading “Ralph Nader’s a lying bag of shit.”
A group representing the 50 largest companies in the world confirmed that they would be dropping positive marketing techniques currently used by the industry and switching to a system consisting of “lies, poor science and slagging off anyone who disagrees with us.”
A spokesman for the group, Alastair Liddle-Tomkins, explained that market research revealed that despite years of advertising featuring happy smiley people and promoting optimism, most people still assumed that multinationals were a bunch a “rapacious, lying toe-rags who would skin their own Mothers alive if they thought it would make them a buck.” Contrarily, people identified protesting groups with struggle, honesty and abstinence, no matter how many times they were shown to have lied, exaggerated or simply made up a convenient fact. Research also confirmed that people are born pessimists who are more enthusiastic about doom than joy.
“Showing people a positive image does nothing to help, so we have decided to adopt the same tactics as the protestors,” Mr Liddle-Tomkins said. He then went on to outline some of the initial campaigns that the group would be undertaking. “We shall start with a pro-Globalisation riot in the centre of London sometime in the next couple of months. We shall be setting up a series of covert websites to advertise the event and shall be taxiing in the well heeled from around the country to take part. Whilst we abhor the use of violence we believe that it may be necessary to make our point and so we have hired a Milwall ‘Firm’ with our members adopting a consultative and management role rather than actually carrying out hands-on disruption. Initial trials with Sir John Browne, chief executive of BP, standing behind a group of skinheads shouting, ‘Go on hit him! And again, but this time kick him in the nuts’ have proved very successful.”
Other techniques that the group has taken from the protestors include the use of “Highly selective statistics whereby we will pull out a single number from many thousands and claim that it is the representative one. New Labour have been able to provide us with a lot of advice on this”. Mr Liddle-Tomkins was also enthusiastic about bad-mouthing and belittling the competition. “Frankly, anyone can see that Greenpeace are a bunch of lying, drug-addled hippies who have never done an honest days work in their lives and use anti-whale hunting protests as an excuse for a nice sunny holiday where you can buy cheap hash. And what about the environmental conferences? You never hear of one being organised in Scunthorpe, do you? They’re always in bloody Costa-Rica or Thailand”
The use of “daft stunts” is also being planned with a number of finance directors planning to abseil down Nelson’s Column unfurling a banner reading “Ralph Nader’s a lying bag of shit.” A not-free festival is also being organised for the summer where activists will gather in traditional clothing and eat lukewarm food in the pouring rain whilst listening to an eclectic set of music. “Actually it’s just the usual Glyndebourne festival” confirmed Mr Liddle-Tomkins “But we’ll make sure that we shove in a couple of incoherent speeches promoting globalisation during the concert this year”
For Greenpeace, Charles Secret, expressed dismay at the tactics adopted by the multi-nationals. “This really isn’t fair” he wailed. “I mean if they carry on slagging me off like this, I’ll never get that lucrative new job as an environmental advisor to Shell when I’ve finished with this bunch of deadbeats”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 