Author’s note: There was a campaign against forced marriages, and I wondered if you could write a silly article where useless men felt they’d been forced into marriage by their mother’s or girlfriends. Despite many rewrites it always ended up sounding like an extended mother-in-law joke, so it was quietly dropped
Countries from across the globe launched a set of initiatives to protect the status of marriage today. Within Europe, the EU declared a set of decrees designed to outlaw “forced” marriages. However within the US, President Bush announced that to reduce the number of single parent families, marriage would be encouraged via a set of tax breaks, insurance incentives and a new Federal body known as “the White House dating agency”. “We’re not calling it forced marriage” claimed Mr. Bush “We’re just saying that if you want your kids to get access to healthcare, schooling and not have their middle name compulsory changed to ‘Bastard’, you better get yourself hitched”
The new dating agency will be carefully regulated to introduce compatible heterosexual couples and will offer a full service from “first date to marriage”, a process estimated to take “about 4 hours”. John Ashcroft, the new agency’s head explained “Clearly we want to make sure these kids get along but we don’t want to give them the opportunity to have sexual congress before they are joined together in the eyes of the Lord”. It is understood that a number of anti-passion devices will be on hand to limit any lustful situations encountered by the couple. These are thought to include a bucket of cold water, a brass band practising in an adjacent room and a photo of the girl’s mother looking “stern and disapproving”
Within Europe, the UK is the first to announce its plans and David Blunkett explained that he would be concentrating on the problem of forced marriages. “Clearly we are not against arranged marriages” explained Mr. Blunkett to an empty auditorium after he had been pointed in the wrong direction by Stephen Byers. “I will seek to differentiate between these and forced marriages by personally interviewing every candidate that wishes to embark on this type of arrangement. I will be assessing their suitability based on their smell, tone of voice and ability to answer an inane question with a salacious bon mot. Mr Blunkett then went onto introduce “3 lovely lasses who like a laugh” encouraging a welder from Blackburn to consider “Number 2” with the advice “Go on. She smells lovely!”
However, a support group has demanded that more is done to help the “victims of coercion”. An activist for the Men Against Marriage Association (MAMA), Martin Blackburn, claimed that the “the cruel and archaic practice of marriage” should be completely outlawed thereby freeing men to do what they do best “namely nothing”
“Most men in Western countries have been forced into marriage” explained Mr Blackburn. “They can dress it up how they like, but men are given no choice in the matter. It’s either no freedom or no nookie. I stood my ground for ages. I set up a support group ‘Celibates against Celibacy’ offering group rates for members and their right hands. But it was no good. After a while my Mother and girlfriend told me I had to get married and I knew that my time was up. If I said no, I’d never get a roast meal again.”
Mr Blackburn went on to explain how the barbaric practice of husbands hurling themselves onto sacred pyres still existed. “It’s particularly prevalent in the summer when men are expected to light these things and make burnt offerings. The number of victims we’ve got with no eyebrows or unnaturally high foreheads is frightening” he claimed. “And don’t get me started on male circumcision.”
Mr Blackburn finished by demanding more action and stating that MAMA would release a full manifesto for freedom “Just as soon as my wife has gone to work”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 