Author’s note: Zimbabwe was holding corrupt elections and it was Oscar time. What better opportunity than to combine the two? I was rather pleased with this, but Tom completely rewrote it. Plus ca change.
A surprised president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed today that Robert Mugabe had “totally cleaned up” at the 2002 Oscar ceremony and won over 15 awards including Best Actor, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay and Best Serial Dictator, a category previously not seen at the Academy. Mr. Frank Pierson confirmed that an immediate inquiry had been launched to establish whether “corrupt voting practices” were to blame. “If they are, we will adopt the same robust position as the Commonwealth and chuck him out of the Academy in the hope that if we ignore him, he’ll just go away”.
The news follows on the back of revelations that the Oscar ceremony had already descended into a murky world of vote-trading, smear campaigns and voter intimidation. It is believed that in an attempt to influence the fortunes of his own films David Geffen of Dreamworks hired “some guys who know all about this stuff” from the Zanu PF party to act as “Oscar marketing consultants”. However, it now appears that these advisors were unable to do anything to help Dreamworks’ execrable output and simply resorted to type, adopting the slogan “Vote Mugabe”
Reports that the Glitterati of Hollywood had been herded into a large stadium by “film veterans” and forced to register their votes for Mr Mugabe have been categorically denied by him. However, a distraught Ron Howard has condemned the tactics used by Zanu PF as the worst he has ever seen “except for the ones adopted by Miramax, obviously”. However, other academicians were more favourable with Russell Crowe commenting wittily that “If it means I don’t have to sit through 5 hours of twats blubbing and thanking their Mothers, that’s fine by me. They can keep their fucking Oscars the fucking bunch of fuckers.”
Following on from Mr. Mugabes success at the Oscars it was announced that Zanu PF would be moving into film production full time. “We want to be seen as serious film makers” explained Didymus Mutasa, formerly Zanu PF’s secretary for external relations, wearing a cap, plus fours and clutching a megaphone and an Agfa ‘Moviematic’ Super 8 camera. “We expect to attract all the best Hollywood talent and will not be making political statements but providing wholesome entertainment that the entire family can enjoy.” The first film, “Robert Mugabe – My Struggle”, will feature Denzel Washington as Mr Mugabe and Alan Rickman as Tony Blair with Jeremy Irons as Ian Smith. “I wanted to make my portrayal of Ian Smith as realistic as possible,” explained Mr Irons. “So I am grateful to Mr Mugabe for his insight and guidance regarding Mr. Smith’s character. I hadn’t realised that when he was Prime Minister he wore a monocle, insisted on dressing in black and bought a large white Persian cat to every cabinet meeting. I was also unaware of his secret underground lair hidden in the centre of the Chimanimani Mountains.”
Mr. Mugabe denied he was adopting the “tactics of the despot” and simply making propaganda films to further idolise him. “It’s rubbish” he claimed “In fact, I guarantee that my films will have the same levels of realism, accuracy and impartiality as any produced in Hollywood”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 