Author’s note: Louis XIV’S finance minister, Jean-Baptiste Colbert, famously declared that “the art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing.” And yet people always want higher spending (especially on the NHS) and enthusiastically endorse higher taxes, just for everybody else. Add to that the perverse incentives within the Civil Service to measure your importance by your budget, and you have an ongoing recipe for complaint.
Outraged taxpayers launched an all out war on Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s budget proposals today. Rodney de Plume, described as “an exceedingly rich but jolly hard working fifth generation land owner”, attacked the “profits” made by what he called “an unregulated financial monopoly – the UK treasury”. He demanded that competition be introduced to the tax market allowing businesses and individuals to select different tax regimes offering different levels of public service. “I can afford my own private hospital, fully equipped and staffed with devoted Asian nurses,” explained Mr. de Plume. “So why the Hell should I pay the Government to provide me with some grotty hovel in the centre of Birmingham?”
Derek Gadd, a self-employed plumber from Bermondsey, agreed and spoke for many when he lamented “When I said I wanted higher spending on the NHS, I never expected it to be paid for by me. I mean, I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously when I said I’d be prepared to pay higher taxes in return for better public services. I just assumed they’d hammer fat cats like Rupert Murdoch.” When the Brains Trust contacted Mr. Murdoch to see whether Mr. Brown’s extra penny on National Insurance would affect him, there appeared to be a loud, spluttering guffaw at the other end of the phone. Mr. Murdoch then revealed that he had not paid any taxes since 1978 and even that was a mistake after he’d discovered he couldn’t claim back the VAT on a Mars Bar which he’d purchased and lost the receipt
Gordon Brown reacted angrily to the attacks on his budget and claims that the Government would simply fritter the money away. Mr. Brown thundered that “This Government will not waste the taxpayers hard earned money on spin. We are committed to saving the NHS not deluding the public with cheap gimmicks and tricks”. He went on to illustrate his point by holding a pink piggy bank in one hand and a large hammer in the other whilst standing over a dying patient, Mr. Alex Rowe, in his hospital bed surrounded by a large group of “unusually pretty” nurses. “What would these people want me to do? Save the pig or save the patient?” Mr. Brown then started waving the hammer between the pig and Mr. Rowe’s head chanting “Pig? Patient? Pig? Patient?” and with a final flourish he announced “Let the patient live!” and brought the hammer down on the piggy bank as he showered Mr. Rowe and the nurses with “oodles and oodles of lovely cash”
Mr. Brown, accompanied by his press secretary, treasury secretary and 3 administrative assistants “to carry all our stuff”, also went on to explain how taxpayer’s money would not be wasted on “pointless paperwork”. “Even though most people will hardly miss the piddlingly small amounts of tax we collect, we shall be instituting hundreds of new performance measures and large numbers of new review bodies to ensure the money is being spent as efficiently as possible. We shall be recruiting hundreds of new auditors to make sure that the extra money in the Health Service is not being frittered away on administrators and managers. By ensuring that doctors are under constant supervision and have many more review forms to complete we can make sure that they are not wasting their time on administration but getting on with the real job of tending the sick.”
Iain Duncan Smith, however, attacked the budget and claimed that that the Conservatives would definitely abolish taxes when they came to power. He categorically denied that he was simply “making up any old rubbish” as they didn’t have a chance of getting in power and claimed that the Conservatives had adopted a pragmatic approach in response to voters concerns. “We shall be replacing tax with the Government Loyalty Card scheme whereby people will gain ‘Torypoints’ for each day worked and these can be bartered for public services when the consumer needs them. People in vital industries such as nurses or teachers would even get double bonus points with extra airmiles” he added, whilst being egged on by Oliver Letwin and Michael Howard with the words of “Nice idea, boss”.
The Prime Minister, however, declared the Tory’s scheme unworkable and claimed that the public would see through their “lies”. “The British public knows this Government is committed to getting the right levels of investment in the health service. After all, if this buggers up the rest of the economy, we’ll need a good hospital when the electorate get their hands on us”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 