Author’s note: It was local election time and no one could be bothered to vote (except me) and I couldn’t be bothered to fact check and a reader pointed out in a comment that Scotland wasn’t holding local elections, so Angus McIntyre, featured in the article, would not have been voting. “That just shows how keen he is,” I replied.
The emergency services confirmed they remain on a state of high-alert after never-before witnessed scenes of celebration, despair and rioting following the UK local elections. As the polls closed and a massive upswelling of democratic fervour gripped the nation, Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, confirmed that they had recorded the “highest turnout ever for any election anywhere in the world.”
In scenes similar to those witnessed in Zimbabwe recently, huge crowds of people started to mass around the Polling Stations well before they opened. The atmosphere buzzed with animated discussions about the parties’ local authority policies and their candidates’ views on recycling and minority sports representation.
The Brains Trust spoke to Derek Gadd who had queued for 5 years to ensure his place as first voter through the doors. “You always get a special feeling knowing you’re the first,” explained Mr. Gadd. “You look behind you at the seething mass of humanity desperate to exercise its mandate and you know that the power your vote wields can change the world – or at least your local authority’s refuse collection policy”
Massive street parties are still in full swing with London holding the largest ever “Rock-the-Vote” concert. Geri Halliwell who is headlining at the concert explained “I love voting more than sex. But I think it is a sacred act and that you should only do it when you feel you’re ready, which is why I’ve never registered to vote myself. I’m just waiting for the right candidate to come along.”
Inevitably, though, some reports of trouble flaring up have started to come in, with incidents of intimidation and bitterness taking place. A prospective Conservative councillor in Richmond and Kew was seen harassing shoppers in her local Waitrose and offering to help them carry their shopping to the car in return for the promise of their vote. A distraught Liberal Democrat who failed to poll any votes at all after he crossed the wrong box on the ballot paper, attempted suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with the polling pencil. Fortunately, he was disarmed before he was able to turn the pencil over and use the sharp end.
All the major political parties have declared themselves happy with 99.999% voter turnout. However, it has been suggested that the errant 0.0001%, Mr. Angus McIntyre, should have been allowed extra time to vote when he was delayed getting to the polling station, having rowed single-handedly from the Isle of Muck, 15 miles from the Scottish Coast, after the ferry broke down.
As returning officers from every district were carried shoulder high to the podium to announce the results of the election to animated and expectant crowds, the country could feel it was on the brink of an enormous social revolution. Tony Blair, summing up the mood of the entire nation, simply commented “Isn’t democracy wonderful?”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 