Author’s note: I guess my feelings about this at the time were rather obvious from this. It seems a little graceless now.
The British Press captured the mood of whole world today as all peoples of the earth paused to mark the passing of the Queen Mother, who George Bush memorably described as “an enormously rich and privileged old lady”. As the people of UK moved away from hoping that her death was actually a “rather poor quality April Fool’s Day joke organised by Prince Andrew” they took solace from messages of support from around the world.
“Everyone in the UK just assumed that she would be resurrected on Easter Sunday” claimed Derek Gadd author of the recent Daily Mail serialised books on the Monarchy “The House of Windsor. Descendants of God?” and “Is Prince Philip an Astronaut?” “However, it appears that she has decided to remain dead for the time being, just as I predicted some time ago in my new book ‘The Queen Mother will ascend to heaven at Easter’ which is published next week. Given that everyone in the UK will find this a distressing state of affairs, it is important to know that the entire world grieves with us”
Throughout the world the British media were able to interview people who’s lives had been touched by the Queen Mother. In Afghanistan, the Daily Telegraph talked to Mahomed Khan who had stopped work digging his family out of the rubble from the recent earthquake to organise a whip-round. “It was the least I could do” he explained. “It would have felt disrespectful if we couldn’t at least send a bunch of flowers. After all, she did inherit all that wealth and the death of someone that rich and privileged puts our minor difficulties into perspective” he added as he dug the body of his three year old daughter from the rubble.
Within Ramallah, Israeli and Palestinian fighters linked arms and sang a chorus of Rule Britannia for the BBC cameras. “It is important to mark this sad farewell with a gesture of solidarity with the British people” claimed Yusuf Kamil a Palestinian resident. “We can only guess at the suffering of the British people and the huge damage that has been inflicted on their country,” he lamented, adding “Incoming!” as a shell whistled by, landing a few feet away from him. “It is nothing” he claimed, as he was stretchered away clutching his severed leg to his chest and singing “Land of Hope and Glory”. “Go back to your people and help alleviate their pain”
However, in the UK the press has reported widespread anger at the poor quality news reporting by broadcast media. “There have been at least 5 minutes each day which haven’t been devoted to coverage of the Queen Mother’s death, people’s reactions and the minutiae of organising her funeral” claimed Lady Agatha Ponsonby-Smythe in the Daily Telegraph’s 15 page supplement “She is dead! She is dead! Oh Lordy, she is dead!” “I call that a grave dereliction of duty which the people of the UK will not tolerate. I mean I may have inherited riches and privilege but it’s nothing compared to the Queen Mother. She deserves the full nine yards. And she lived through the war you know, and there’s not many people you can say that about.” Prince Charles is also reported to be furious that “the BBC only saw fit to broadcast news bulletins for 15 consecutive hours. She didn’t hang on for over 100 years simply to have the BBC refuse to move their scheduling of Dog eat Dog.”
However, from the rest of the world, the most touching tribute to the graciousness of the Queen Mother came from the President of Zimbabwe. “I always find it hard to bear when an unelected leader dies whilst still on official duty” he announced. “I shall be personally sending a group of 50 Zanu PF election officials to check for any signs of foul play. And as an act of solidarity I am putting my own name forward as King Robert the First, the Queen Father”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 