Author’s note: Tony Blair’s government at this stage was moving enthusiastically into improving society by regulation and targets, rather than actually changing things in ways that might do good, but upset voters. A trend that continues to this day. This seemed a logical extension of that idea. I just didn’t expect it to be taken up so enthusiastically by the Chinese Government.
The Government has announced that in an effort to crack down on juvenile crime and provide a safer environment, in future they would be licensing children. Anyone wishing to have children will have to apply for a “child-test” and pass a set of rigorous exams to exercise “parenting skills, discipline and allegiance to the rule of law and Her Majesty’s Government – but especially the allegiance to Her Majesty’s Government bit”
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, standing with his family on the steps of Downing Street and holding four, freshly-minted “offspring permits” explained the thinking behind the new system. “We are not trying to limit the fecundity of the populace. However, with freedom comes responsibility and in future we shall ensure that only those who will make responsible parents will be allowed to have children. And furthermore, those with children displaying anti-social behaviour will have those children impounded and possibly distributed to more suitable parents”
Mr. Blair claimed that the move had been forced on the Government by the “utter lawlessness of most kids today”. He also explained that the laws of economics must be applied, although only in a “caring and compassionate way, obviously”. “If a child grows up and gets a job they contribute to society but if they run around bashing grannies over the head and pinching mobile phones they are a cost to society. By making sure that only suitable people can have children we will simultaneously reduce crime, halt population growth, cut unemployment benefit and help the elderly by providing a population of radiant, happy workers contributing to the pension pool,” he finished, his eyes flashing Prime Ministerial zealotry.
Iain Duncan Smith however stated his immediate opposition to the scheme claiming it was fundamentally flawed and would be create a society of mindless, Government supporting zombies. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of it when we were in power” he lamented as his four children were removed from his care to be “managed” by Alastair Campbell.
The Government however denied that the move was an overreaction that would create massive social unrest. “Just look at the huge waiting lists for couples wanting to adopt children,” claimed a spokesman. “This move will create thousands of new Government sponsored orphans at a stroke. We will also be seeking to privatise the service as soon as possible and utilise existing web-based baby adoption facilities, thereby creating a new export industry and generating excellent revenues.” He also announced that a number of seized children would be made available on a rental basis for busy executives couples who wanted the fulfilment of having a child, but didn’t want the emotional commitment, massive time investment or mess and discomfort associated with producing them yourself. The newly created Battersea Child’s Home would provide a repository of the most winsome and appealing children who would be available for rent and marketed seasonally with slogans such as “Our kids are for Christmas, not for life”.
As the first child collection units began to make their way through the streets and the queues of childless couples clutching their Labour membership cards waited for the first consignment of Kids-U-Like, Mr. Blair looked across the streets spread his arms and declared “Suffer the children and bring them unto me. Now who wants this lovely young orphan? A bargain at £100 per day.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 