Author’s note: I remain a staunch supporter of Israel and despair at the levels of casual anti-semitism that exist, especially by what I am sure are well meaning supporters of Palestine. But Israel really does not help itself sometimes….
Ariel Sharon announced the next phase of his plan to deliver peace to Israel and the Middle East today. “After the successful first phase of my master strategy to bring peace with security, I can announce that we shall now be moving to the next stage – ‘Peace through Conquest'”
Mr. Sharon announced the plan after he had spent “several minutes” considering other alternatives such as “negotiation with the Palestinians, liasing with other countries or bothering to read any United Nations resolutions”. Instead, he has adopted a strategy based on “some radical policies suggested by my new cabinet colleagues from the ultra-nationalist National Religious Party and piloted by certain Central European countries, such as Serbia. Israel can now look forward to peace via the creation of a Greater Israel.”
Mr. Sharon has proposed that Israel will initially reoccupy the West Bank and Gaza. The three million Palestinians will then be re-housed in “New Palestine”, an area described by Mr. Sharon as a specially created and extensively landscaped garden city-state of approximately 2 square miles in the middle of the Sinai desert. The area will be reluctantly handed back from its current “essential use” as a cess-pit by an Israeli Settlement. Once this is completed, Israel will then be seeking to re-establish previous Jewish strongholds in other countries. The annexing of Poland is thought to be an early goal.
Mr. Sharon denounced critics of his policy as anti-Semites and claimed comparisons with the Nazis were odious. “The Nazis marched into other peoples territories, ignored the protests of other countries, stamped on human rights, murdered people without trial and installed puppet regimes ignoring the chosen leader of the places they occupied. Now come on, tell me where’s the similarity with the current Israeli government?” He then went on to explain how the policy had precedent in the recent history of the other countries. “The only way to fight terrorism is to never compromise, suspend the rights of the terrorists, summarily intern and execute them and assume that everyone in the opposing regime is a terrorist. Just look at how much success the UK had with this policy in Northern Ireland in the 1970’s.”
Mr Sharon also explained that the new policy would provide Israel with a “golden opportunity” to test out its weapons arsenal. “It seems a shame to have got America to give us all of these weapons and then just use them for defence,” he explained. “With this new policy we can really get to see how effective they are at destroying houses or dispatching terrorists secreted within large numbers of civilians”
In response, Yasser Arafat offered his support and commitment to peace by announcing that he was immediately stepping up the Palestinian “Peace through mindless slaughter” campaign. “We feel confident that by selecting keen individuals to blow themselves to bits in the middle of crowds of innocent civilians we can show how truly we long for peace and harmony with our Israeli brethren,” announced Mr. Arafat. He then went on to launch a new ‘Suicide Cub Scout’ initiative. This will involve a specially selected group of children who have agreed to strap large quantities of explosives to themselves and blow themselves up in Israeli schools in return for a visit to Kentucky Fried Chicken and a special suicide bomber apprentice badge. “They’re finger lickin’ good” beamed an excited Mr. Arafat.
Speaking for the US, George Bush welcomed the new moves towards peace but urged the two sides to hurry up. “I mean the more you guys ignore every international precedent and condemnation, the easier it’ll be for me to do the same and get on and bomb Iraq”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 