Author’s note. I’m pretty sure we never used this, but the mangling of Candle in the Wind, which had been so effective for Diana, was repurposed for another article. Prince Philip was on good form. However, this had put an idea in my head which morphed into an article about the funeral that turned out rather well….
Buckingham Palace announced today that it was to combine the official acts of remembrance for the Queen Mother with the Queen’s Golden jubilee celebrations and hold “one bloody great enormous piss up”. The announcement by Prince Philip was said to have been prompted by the unexpectedly large overreaction to the Queen Mother’s death and the complete inertia greeting the jubilee celebrations. “It also means we only have to let that bunch of chinks, wops, dagoes and darkies claiming to be world leaders in the Palace once. It’ll save a fortune on disinfection costs”
Royal Watcher and generally useful spokesman when you need an expert opinion, Lord Hugo Z Hackenbush commented, “This clearly makes sense from a variety of perspectives. The same tedious celebrities, politicians and gentry would be wheeled out for both events. They would both celebrate elderly women managing to hang on way past their sell by date and they would both require large amounts of pomp, circumstance and cucumber sandwiches”
The idea has been greeted enthusiastically by celebrities who were said to be dreading being associated with jubilee. Elton John, who had already knocked up a new version of “Candle in the Wind” for the Queen Mother and another one for the jubilee “just in case”, was the first to confirm his participation. “I’ll probably combine the two versions now” he explained “It’ll start solemn and then we’ll jazz it up a bit for the jubilee part – you know do a medley with ‘Saturday night’s alright for fighting’ or something’. Mick Jagger has also now agreed to take part in the event reportedly changing his mind after being cheered up by the discovery that the Queen Mother was “considerably older than him” despite appearances to the contrary.
The overall event is being masterminded by Prince Edward and his media company “Well I’ve got to do something, Mummy says I can’t just sit around the Palace all day”. Although details are still sketchy, the plans for first part of the celebration “It’s a Royal Queen Mum Knockout” have been released. This is based on “It’s a Royal Knockout” the charity event organised by Edward some years ago. It featured the Royal offspring “behaving like common people” and taking part in hilarious games involving giant inflatable bananas, trampolines and huge amounts of custard. The new games would replace the vigil that the Queen Mother’s grandsons were planning to hold by her coffin. Instead, the four men would take part in a set of games involving throwing the coffin between rickety scaffolds, attempting to launch it into its final resting place using a giant catapult and trying to carry it to the church in under 60 seconds whilst being barged by equerries dressed in giant papier-mâché clown costumes.
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has also received the idea enthusiastically. “I mean the Queen Mum was the People’s Granny and it seems only right that we should celebrate her life with a right royal knees up. Also, as Gordon has pointed out, it means that the tax payer isn’t going to have to fork out twice so we can spend the money saved on something meaningful like a Memorial Dome. And I know just where we could find one that’s going cheap.”
Sidebar – Candle in the Wind 2002
Goodbye royal mum
Though I never knew you at all
You did a lot of walkabouts
In your electric car
Stepping out at random
As they pushed you in the crowd
They’d laid a nice red carpet
As they all just scraped and bowed
And it seems to me you lived you life
Like a candle in the rain
Spluttering, almost going out
Then popping up again
And I would have liked to know you but I was just a pleb
And invites went to racing folk and Lord and Earls instead
Goodby gappy Gran
Dentist’s never knew you at all
Which meant you teeth were not too good
Sort of stumpy, worn and brown
You could have got some dentures
Or a nice new set of caps
But you chose to scare the nation
With your choppers like Count Drac’s
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 