Author’s note: I still remain amazed that anyone actually believed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. I certainly didn’t and the increasing ridiculous levels that the US and UK were prepared to go to pretend they were there were extraordinary, with many dictatorships (North Korea, Pakistan) actually having real live nuclear weapons. And there seemed to be very many good reasons to remove Saddam without pretending he was a threat to the UK. Anyway, the UKs rather meek obsession with pleasing George W Bush was all rather embarrassing.
Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, has announced that the UK would be progressing to the next stage of the “war on terror” by designating a number of UK sites as decoys to attract terrorists thereby distracting them from “important” cities such as New York, Los Angeles and Denver.
The Prime Minister furiously denied trying to “bury” the initiative, explaining he had made the announcement in Westminster Abbey during the Queen Mother’s funeral, whilst being watched by millions of people from around the world, “and you can’t get more public than that”. It is thought that the actual announcement took place during the Archbishop of Canterbury’s oratory when the Prime Minister could be seen deep in concentration and muttering some words from a typed sheet that he had previously explained was a “special Queen Mum prayer”
It now emerges that a number of UK towns and cities, including Birmingham, Scunthorpe and “anywhere with a Conservative MP” will be classed as Grade A US Population Centres. The cities will be fitted out with “American style” replica sky scrapers, their airports will be all be renamed after former US Presidents and an emergency decoy device will be triggered in the event of suspected terrorist movements. The device consists of a set of hydraulic flagpoles that immediately unfurl the Stars and Stripes, projectors that show large numbers of holographically generated clinically-obese people and a large set of speakers that issue the alert “Yoo-hoo! Over here!” every 30 seconds
The plan was hatched during Mr. Blair’s recent visit to see George Bush in the US. Mr. Blair made a joint statement with Mr. Bush confirming the UK’s readiness to send large numbers of its troops to die for “Truth, Justice and the American Way”. The UK was also ready to flout international laws and bomb Iraq as well as agreeing that there was no point in the new International War Crimes court being able to try US citizens as “they are not very likely to commit war crimes, are they?”
It is hoped that when the plan is put into action terrorists attempting to strike at the heart of US homelands will launch their attack on, for example, Scunthorpe. The Prime Minister explained that this will have the benefit of leaving the terrorists feeling that they have achieved a major goal whilst in fact having provided a major public service by removing “that awful grubby little place off the face of the map”.
In a reciprocal move the US has also announced that a number of its major population centres will be “anglicised”. New York will be renamed York and it’s skyscrapers will be fitted with thatched roofs. Further enhancements will involve replacing burger bars with fish and chip shops and teaching the locals to act in a gruff, surly, unhelpful manner and only talk in an incomprehensible manner, although this is not expected to require a significant change.
President Bush welcomed the new moves as part of the US-UK special relationship and presented Tony Blair with a commemorative designer T-shirt featuring the two countries flags on the front and large black lettering saying “Kick Me” on the back.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 