Author’s note: Continuing on my policy of writing articles which were mildly critical of Israel reneging on it’s agreements with the Palestinians. I wondered what would happen if the UK adopted a similar approach. Cue many outraged comments from people unable to understand satire.
All broadcast media was interrupted across the UK last night for a special announcement by Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, which confirmed that the British army had started a major counter-offensive against terrorism and had reoccupied the entire island of Ireland.
Looking suitably sombre, Mr. Blair announced that the British army had returned to Ireland and was currently engaged in fierce fighting with many terrorist entities in the capital city of Dublin and elsewhere. The army is currently laying siege to the Irish leader, Mr. Bertie Ahern , in his administrative compound, the Oireachtas in the centre of Dublin. Although the UK has banned Mr. Ahern from leaving his compound and from talking to the media, a brief statement has been smuggled out condemning “UK aggression” but also calling for an end to all “punishment beatings, shootings and other forms of terrorism”
Mr Blair though has refused to accept the Taoiseach’s good intentions and claims that he is directly responsible for orchestrating the campaign of terror against the UK. He has pointed out that republican terrorists have operated “for many years” from within the state of Ireland and have moved freely across the border to terrorise British citizens. The final straw appears to have been recent revelations that the Irish Republican Army has started to rearm and also forge new alliances with other terrorist groups around the world.
“These cowards skulk and hide in amongst domestic houses” claimed Mr. Blair. “And I warn you, if anyone chooses to offer them succour or sanctuary they themselves become terrorists and their house a temple of terror. They should expect no mercy”. Mr Blair was explaining the army’s policy of destroying the majority of the centre of Dublin and several other Irish cities, which he referred to as “terrorist strongholds”
Tensions have simmered for many years over the ownership of the “North Bank” of the island, with the British declaring it a sacred shrine to Unionism and the Irish claiming it as an indivisible part of their territory. Following the re-occupation, Mr. Blair has categorically denied that he wishes to deprive the Irish of a homeland. He has claimed that he simply seeks to re-establish the British Isles back to their pre-1921 borders and is happy for the Irish to resettle “wherever they bloody well like”. He has rejected a UN resolution demanding the immediate withdrawal of the UK and has refused a request for a UN mission to investigate the incursion “unless it includes Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell”
Ireland’s next nearest neighbour, the United States, has also called for the withdrawal of the UK as soon as possible, but has supported the right of the UK to “defend itself against terror using any legitimate means including wholesale destruction of any town in which terrorists are thought to live”
Other countries have been quick to condemn the UK actions but the UK has rejected these as “bogus”. Mr. Blair claimed that France and other European countries have long sought the destruction of Britain, as they are “jealous of the fact we had a proper Empire.”
As the British Army dug in for a long campaign, the press agreed on one thing – that the situation was “unlike anything that had ever happened anywhere else in the world”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 