Author’s note: As I write this during the Covid exam debacle, this seems rather timely. It was the first attempt to increase university attendance, mainly by lowering the standards of A levels and particularly by abandoning the normalisation of results. Which just left to massive grade inflation. Not that I’m bitter at all, oh dear me know
The entire system of A-Level examinations resigned today, declaring that they were a “bit rubbish” and “not really up to the job of trying to evaluate a child’s ability”.
The announcement was welcomed by new Education Minister, Charles Clarke, who claimed it endorsed the Governments policy of “disowning everything that was unpopular with the public.” Mr. Clarke went onto explain that the Government now recognised that the resignation of the A-Levels showed that the “brand had fallen into disrepute” and endorsed his decision to appoint media advisors Fuckwittery and Kant to completely overhaul the A-Level Brand Management Strategy. After “several days intensive study, a large number of executive strategy lunches and a couple of million pounds” the study has recommended an entire brand re-launch of the “wholly new, wholly untainted Level-A exams.”
Mr. Clarke then went on to explain how the new Level-A’s will differ from current exams. “Part of the ongoing problem with A-Level’s is that they concentrate on the outdated notions of intelligence and achievement. New Labour long ago discarded such reactionary ideas and has concentrated on activity and marketing rather than delivery or accomplishment. This is exactly the strategy that we will deliver with Level A’s. These new “assessments” will be a reflection of effort rather than ability, they shall reflect a can-do attitude rather than saying “look at me, aren’t I clever? I can pass exams”
Mr. Clarke continued “The new Level A’s will not be ‘exams’ as such but rather a multi-faceted examination of a pupil’s ability to attend school, spell their name correctly and sit through a 40 minute lesson without belching, masturbating or assaulting the teacher. At the end of each lesson, the pupil will hand over their ‘Level-A Loyalty Card’ and will be awarded Level-A points. These will rapidly mount up and can be redeemed against a selection of chosen Level-A subjects or other valuable gifts or vouchers.”
Mr. Clarke then handed over to Rupert Murdoch whose company will be running the new Level-A accreditation scheme. Mr. Murdoch explained how the new Level-A’s would not be constrained by the traditional routes to educational attainment, such as attending classes or lectures but would be offering new channels to market. “This will be a People’s accreditation,” he claimed. “For example, we shall be launching a new Level-A Lotto. If the examinee selects 5 correct numbers, they can claim an effort free Level-A or if they get 6 numbers they can claim 3 effort free Level-A’s. Of course, we shall also be offering a dispute service so that if the wrong numbers are selected, the participant can go to arbitration.”
Mr. Murdoch also held up the latest issue of the Sun which was launching its “Great Level-A Give-away” promising each reader a Level-A if they collected only 4 tokens. Subjects included “Why Thatcher was right”, “Immigrants and their skiving ways to claim hard-earned taxpayers money” and “Jordan’s tits: are they the business, or what?”
Mr. Clarke concluded by explaining that the Government would also be launching a Gold Standard Premium Service, which would involve the candidate sitting through a rigorous selection process, “Although we may also look into a similar plan for people who don’t wish to become a Labour MP”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 