Britain’s railways reclassified as “weapons of mass destruction”

Author’s note: Railways are an incredibly safe way to travel, but when there is a crash, there is usually a huge surge in cries for renationalising the rail companies, which seems to miss the point. Anyway, all the talk was of Iraq and it’s mythical weapons of mass destruction, so why not start with that? There was also the petrol tax protests, which still seem to have an effect…

The Government announced today that it has reclassified the UK’s entire rail infrastructure as a weapon of mass destruction and would be urgently starting to decommission “the whole bloody awful network.”

The Government was reacting to the press coverage of the railways in recent weeks, culminating with the headlines generated after the Potters Bar crash. Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, explained that based on a “cool, calm and unemotive” assessment of Britain’s media, it was clear that the railways were “more lethal than the world’s entire stockpile of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons and must be destroyed immediately.” Mr. Blair, brandishing a copy of the Daily Mirror then read out an editorial which highlighted “the almost certain death” that faced anyone foolhardy enough to travel on the railways. He also pointed out statistics from the Sun’s “10 facts you never knew about rail travel” which “conclusively proved” that it was safer roll down Mount Everest in a flaming barrel filled with high-explosives than take the 8:34 from Wimbledon to Leatherhead.

“It is now clear that we were misguided in our belief that public transport is a good thing,” he continued. “It creates only misery and death. It is the Axle of Evil and must be destroyed. God knows what would happen if this thing were to fall into the wrong hands. Just imagine if some unaccountable megalomaniac politician, a congenital liar who ruled his domain with faceless thugs that pedalled lies and terror got his hands on it? It doesn’t bear thinking about?”

The Government’s stance was supported by Petrol Tax protest leader Brynle Williams. Mr. Williams was speaking at a rally against public transport where 57 “petrol tax martyrs” doused themselves with fuel and set fire to themselves rather than pay an extra penny per litre of gasoline. Speaking on their behalf, Mr. Williams called for an immediate increase in investment in the roads. “It is the duty of all right thinking people to encourage travellers onto the roads. For too long we have put the lives of passengers at risk on these trains. It is time that our Government realised that hurtling around motorways, dodging between foreign juggernauts and jamming four-wheel drive vehicles three-abreast on minor roads outside schools is more convenient, safer and more environmentally friendly than any other mode of travel”

Mr Blair claimed that he was taking action to remedy the problems and was investigating several solutions “many of which involved putting Stephen Byers and John Prescott through some sort medieval torture regime”. However, as an emergency measure he had ordered the recall of all military forces from “those ghastly little places like Afghanistan, Kosovo and Northern Ireland”. These forces will be commanded to make the rail network safe by unleashing the UK’s entire nuclear arsenal at it. “After all,” commented Mr. Blair “having a huge melted radioactive lump of metal spanning the length of the entire country is likely to be less damaging than the existing rail network – at least for my re-election chances”