Author’s note: This was a different take on the Moscow Theatre Hostage Crisis in 2002. It was never published as Tom Salinsky, the Editor in Chief at the time, felt it trivialised the event. Which it did, but it was still funnier than the published version.
The Russian Government has finally revealed that the mystery substance used to overcome the Chechen Terrorists was not a secret gas, as previously suspected, but an “alternative dance group funded by Camden Council”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” claimed Russian President, Vladimir Putin. “We knew that it was risky and the damage to innocent hostages could be high, but we were left with little choice.” Mr Putin went on to explain that at about 6AM on the morning of the rescue, shots were heard from inside the theatre and the order was given to release the dancers.
“They were introduced via the air-conditioning system and immediately entered the stage where they began to perform their ‘primal dance routine’ named ‘The disconfiguration of Mother Earth by globalists’. It is described in their programme as ‘a thought provoking piece which shows the rape of the Earth by big business juxtaposing the elegance of classical dance with the aggression of hip-hop accompanied by an atonal piano score by deaf composer Igor Scratchan.’ Within seconds we could hear agonised groans from the audience and moments later they began to drop to the floor. Within a minute both terrorists and hostages were unconscious, numbed with the shock of the performance.”
Mr. Putin also revealed that the approach was being studied by the anti-terrorist units of several other countries. “Whilst it is clear that this technique requires some refinement, this daring use of alternative dance has proved its potency in overcoming terrorists,” he claimed. “It is now only a matter of time before similar forms of alternative entertainment become commonplace in the anti-terrorist arsenal.”
Reports are already coming in of international flights being accompanied by ‘security jugglers’ and performance artists. However, the introduction of stilt-walkers has had to be curtailed after one of them inadvertently put his stilt through the fuselage resulting in the decompression and crash of the plane and subsequent deaths of 340 passengers and crew. Several countries have also installed fire-eaters and feminist comedians on emergency standby in their Parliament buildings. In the Middle East a team of suicide modern poets has taken up residence in Gaza and reports of covert Peter Greenaway films being smuggled into Iraq have yet to be confirmed.
Mr. Putin finished by regretting the deaths caused by those unable to withstand the shock of the treatment. However, he justified the strong measures and claimed that in future he would not hesitate to introduce mime artists, East European animation or even Harrison Birtwhistle if the situation called for it. Speaking on behalf of the dance troupe, Petra De Souza declared that she was very pleased with their performance and was especially delighted with the audience reaction that was “much more lively than we were used to.”
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