Conservative front bench “comes out”

Author’s note: I think I wrote a similar article about the Lib Dems, but it turns out that most of their front bench were gay. And what a golden opportunity to muddle cabinets and closets

The whole Conservative front bench team announced today that they were “throwing off the shackles of repression” and admitting that they were “proudly, rampantly and actively homosexual”

The announcement follows on from Alan Duncan’s public statement admitting that he was gay. The announcement was well received by the public and Tory strategists noted a small rise in the Conservatives’ ratings. Extrapolating this further, they calculated that if another 27 senior Tories were to make similar announcements, it would put them 5 points ahead of Labour in the polls.

However, Iain Duncan Smith has denied that the announcement was timed to gain political advantage. “The fact that 27 of us have simultaneously discovered our sexuality simply shows the new atmosphere of tolerance that exists in the Conservatives,” he explained sporting his recently shaven head and fulsome moustache and side-burns. “It is time that people understood that modern Conservatives are an inclusive party, respectful of minority views and eager to reach out to all members of society. We will not tolerate discrimination or stereotyping in our party any longer. The revelation of Alan Duncan as a toe-touching pillow biter has had a profound affect on his fellow members in the shadow cabinet. On realising that this mincing Nancy-boy was part of our top team, we all took time to re-examine or consciences as well as our majorities and admit that we too were gay.”

As the shadow cabinet then assembled for a photo call with Alan Duncan given a “special place on his own” on the other side of the car park, Michael Howard also denied charges of political opportunism. “Anyone who really knows me will not be at all surprised that I’m as bent as a nine-bob note. I mean bent in the gay sense, obviously,” he added hastily. “Not in the brown-envelope, money grubbing sleazy sense.” However, Teresa May confirmed that she was as surprised as anyone to find she was a lesbian. “It was a bit of a shock when Iain told me. Still, I know I’m just going to love all that lesbian stuff – or at least I will as soon as I find out what it is they get up to” she gushed.

There was some dissent from within the ranks, though, with David Davis claiming that he is a “real man” and that there were “100% red-blood cells running through my loins. Just ask anyone at the Women’s Institute in my constituency.” Supporters of Michael Portillo have also hit back claiming that “he got there first” and was “clearly far gayer than anyone else on the front bench.”

Iain Duncan Smith declared himself unconcerned by such mavericks. “When David finally realises his real self he will find a welcome home with his fellow gays in the shadow cabinet. In fact, we like to think of it as a closet nowadays.”