Author’s note: England was doing rather well in various sports tournaments, often by importing people from other countries and rebranding them as English. A brief article that made fun of that.
As England hails its new success in sports, the Brains Trust interviewed key figures in transforming English sport from worst to first. In a sight to warm the heart of any patriotic soul, the Brains Trust had gathered together some of our most famous national sons to share the secrets of their success.
True blue Englishman Sven Goran Ericsson commented “Gor lumme guvnor, strike a light, pass me that jar of Gravadlax – I mean jeelied eels. Let’s have a good old cockney sing-a-long, eh? Roll out the barrell!”. As Tord Grip, the England football manager’s number two, joined in for a traditional English knees up, we spoke to England cricket coach Duncan Fletcher “Eh oop, gradley. Can’st thee hold on t’me whippet lad. I’ve just got wash coal dust off ‘ands from t’pit. Nowt like ‘ard days graft at coal face to make a man understand the finer points of spin bowling and the precise psychological strategy in teamwork”. Lennox Lewis, the soft-spoken Englishman with his familiar west-country burr agreed, “Ooh aar. Aye reckon we be doin’ arlrite what with hay-making underway and ye old gruntfuttocks gambolling in the meadows, ain’t that right me old beauty? Drop of cider, anyone?”
The Government also joined in the adulation of English sporting heroes, with David Blunkett taking time out from visiting the new immigration facilities at Dover to praise the sportsmen’s success. Mr. Blunkett also went on to explain how the Government would be implementing new asylum criteria. “It is important to employ fair measures that show that an immigrant is really in fear of his or her life. As such, we will be using this 100 metre running track so that they can demonstrate how fast they had to run away from their tormentors. And this high jump will provide a useful simulation of how they managed to scale the walls of their prisons.”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 