Author’s note: England beating Argentina at football was too good an opportunity to miss. Another very popular article.
The Falkland Islands has launched “total all-out bloody war” against Argentina it announced today. In a tersely worded statement the Government of the Falkland Islands said “The entire might of the Falkland’s armed forces are being hurled against the craven Argentinians and their sneaky fishing ways”
It is thought that the invasion has been prompted by the defeat of the ArgentineFootball team in the World Cup, which has led the Islanders to believe that a country already dazed by recession will be unable to repel a sustained attack. It is also felt that the Islanders regarded the invasion as a way of restoring pride after their own defeat in the “Small World” Cup. Denying this, Donald Lamont, the Governor of the Islands claimed that the territory could hold its head up high after being narrowly cheated of victory in a close fought game in which the Faroe Islands scraped a flukey 15-0 victory.
Mr. Lamont, wearing a full Admiral’s uniform and enormous ostrich plumed hat, was speaking from the helm of HMS Stuff-The-Argies, a vessel which appeared to be a hastily modified pedallo with “Property of the Serpentine” crossed out and a double barrelled shotgun strapped to the front. He also denied that the invasion should be seen in any way as retaliation for the Argentinean invasion in 1982. “This is purely a defensive measure to ensure the protection of our people as well as keep those filthy dagoes away from our fishing rights and oil fields. Anyway, Falklanders’ are a modest people and it is not in our nature to laud it over another’s misfortune”, he explained as he ran up the ships colours consisting of a giant St. George’s cross with “One-Nil” written across it.
Mr Lamont then formally launched the maritime force with the traditional command of “Pedal her out Captain. Steady as she goes.” Falkland’s Chief Executive Michael Blanch then went on to explain what weapons the Islands would be deploying. “Our scientists have worked night and day to develop an array of state of the art weaponry. Our genetically modified super sheep can devour an acre of grass in less than 1 minute thereby reducing the Argentinean Pampas to a half-decent cricket pitch. The Anti-Submarine Uber Penguin is trained to bung up a craft’s torpedo tubes with fish and the ‘Whirlybird Seagull’ delivers a devastating payload to the head. The Argies won’t stand a chance. We have also many other weapons up our sleeve, although we are disappointed that the United Nations have declared the launch of Jim Davidson into Buenos Aires as contrary to the Geneva Convention”
When asked whether any of the 2000 British armed forces stationed on the islands would be called up to fight, Mr. Blanch confirmed that “he hadn’t got round to asking them yet and was rather hoping they wouldn’t notice until the invasion was fully underway”. However, he confirmed he had informed Downing Street. “I have just spoken to the Prime Minister over a crackly telephone line. He appeared very excited by the news,” he explained. “Although it was difficult to make out his exact words, what with the static and all that shouting at the other end, I am certain that he congratulated us on our great endeavor. He also said how much he admired the Falkland’s Pluckiness – at least I think that’s what he said.”
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