Author’s note: This was never published with Robert complaining particularly about the phrase “pesky Indians”. Anyhoo, it was repurposed rather well as an article about Pakistan, and I sneaked the phrase “pesky Indians” into another article. Yaa boo sucks.
The President of the United States, George Bush, surprised commentators and many of his own advisors today by holding an impromptu press conference whereby he outlined his strategy for bringing peace to Kashmir by “making sure we do a proper job of finishing off those Indians this time”
Mr. Bush made his announcement wearing what appeared to be a child’s cowboy hat and brandishing two toy cap pistols. Explaining that these illustrated how the West was won, and it was now time to do the same in the East, he continued “I thought we’d got rid of those pesky Indians for once and for all after Custer’s last stand. Things have become a whole lot clearer to me since I discovered that they’re alive and well and living near Afghanistan. Just you look at this picture of Sitting Bull and tell me there’s no similarity with Osama Bin Laden” he yelled waving around what appeared to be an identikit photo of Osama Bin Laden wearing a set of Buffalo horns.
Mr Bush then went on to explain how he was reforming the tenth cavalry and would be immediately shipping them out to the area of conflict. “I understand that these Indians now live in a place called India. This is clearly land that should belong to God-fearing Protestant white immigrants. Once the US cavalry have reclaimed what is rightfully ours, we shall me renaming it New America and consigning the natives to secure reservations where they can indulge in traditional practices such as war-dances, peace-pipe smoking and running highly lucrative casinos”
As the armed forces struggled to cope with the President’s emergency orders for fresh horses, Bowie knives and ten-gallon hats, Donald Rumsfeld sought to reassure the US public that the President did not harbour neo-colonial ambitions. “I can assure you that rumours of a covert operation called ‘Remember the Alamo’ are just that: rumours. The massing of large numbers of militia on the Mexican border wearing large furry hats and singing ‘Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier’ are just part of our rehearsal for ‘Remember the Alamo’ day. We are planning to swarm across the border and take simulated revenge against the Mexicans using a mixture of historical re-enactment, wargame techniques and live ammunition.”
As the President continued to issue more orders for smallpox infected blankets and barrels of firewater, he appeared more cautious on his strategy for dealing with Pakistan. “It sounds kind of similar to Palestine if you say it quickly enough” he mused. “Which means with any luck Israel can finish them off without us having to worry about them”
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 