Author’s note: New Labour was now in full cohabitation with cool Britannia, and the death of the Queen Mother and the large amount of pomp that would go with her funeral seemed a rather unwelcome intrusion of tradition.
The Government today “absolutely denied” that it had sought to influence in any way the organisation of the Queen Mother’s funeral. At a press conference this morning, the Prime Minister’s official spokesman was faced with a barrage of questions from reporters, which he met with the “official Government response” of putting his fingers in his ears and repeating the words “La. La. La. I can’t hear you,” very loudly.
However the Brains Trust has managed to obtain a leaked copy of a Government commissioned report by media advisors Fuckwittery & Kant. The report points out that a funeral typically focuses on the “negative aspects of someone’s life – namely their death” and suggests “a less death-centric approach” may help instil a feeling of wellbeing that the government could then capitalise upon.
The report makes a number of suggestions as to how the “rather dreary old-style funerary arrangements could be bought into the 21st Century.” Firstly, it suggests the modernisation of several traditional features. A new coffin would be designed by Damian Hirst, based on his infamous “body suspended in a glass tank of formaldehyde” installations. A new funeral march would be commissioned from Damon Albarn and Fatboy Slim and the Band of the Blues and Royals would be replaced by “two decks and a bangin’ PA system”. Finally, the solemn procession to Westminster Abbey would be replaced with a march reflecting all parts of Britain’s multi-cultural society. “Rather than feature depressed relatives casting a gloom upon the whole proceedings, why not have happy school children, laughing and clapping in a variety of colourful costumes carrying large papier-mâché effigies of the good old Queen Mum and her best mate Tony?” the report asked.
Within the service itself, it was felt that the Prime Minister should adopt a more prominent role than that currently envisaged. A specially constructed podium would allow the Prime Minister “several vital inches” of height over his political opponents. Spotlights would be positioned to reflect off Iain Duncan Smith’s head, bathing the Prime Minister’s “good side” in a warm and religious light. In order that Mr. Blair should not be overshadowed by the “rather frumpy” Queen, he would be fitted out in a special “Kingly Style” outfit complete with a “discreet, tasteful and yet rather sparkly Crown”
It was also important that the Prime Minister should make a speech during the service celebrating the excellent achievements of the Government during the life of the Queen Mother. The speech, which would allow suitable “blub breaks”, should emphasise Mr. Blair’s role as the Queen Mother’s closest confidant, especially during times of family trouble, and how she frequently referred to him as the Father of the Nation. It should also tap into key parts of the nation’s psyche by reminding everyone how Mr. Blair had stood by the Queen Mother during the darkest times of the Blitz, the Suez crisis and the last Conservative government.
Mr. Blair himself was unavailable for comment and was reported to be seeing whether Asprey’s Royal Jewellers offered any refunds.
Sex and Drugs and Growing Old 